User blog:3krok/Sonic.EXE Parody Preview

I'm a totally big Sonic the Hedgehog fan like so much like everyone else, I like the newer games, but I don't mind playing the classics, but they suck imo, but I like them, but they're TERRIBLE. I don't think I've ever played glitchy or hacked games before because I haven't, though I don't think I want to play any after the experience I had...

It started on a nice summer afternoon, I was inside, OF COURSE, I was playing Sonic Unleashed [I liked how you get to explore the towns in it], then I thought "Hmmm... I wonder where Kyle is.... EH." then I continued my game until I noticed, out of my peripheral vision, that the mailman had arrived and put something in my mailbox as usual and left. I paused my game to go see what I got in the mail... The only thing in the Mailbox was a CD case for computers and some note? I don't know what you kids and your CoD call it these days. I took it inside.

I looked at the note thingy first and realized it was from my close buddy'ol'friend'ol'pal Kyle, whom I was ironically just thinking of, I hadn't heard from him in 2 weeks, asshole must be on a random vacation, without telling me! Doofus. I knew it was him because I recognized his handwriting, though what was weird is how it looked; it looked badly written and scratchy and somewhat difficult to read and totally not forged by some demon, LOL, could you imagine, as if Kyle was having a hard time writing it down and did it in a hurry, I bet he was all "Gotta Write Fast!".

This is what he wrote...

"Tom,

I can't take it anymore, I had to get rid of this metallic bagel somehow before it was too late, and I was hoping you'd do it for me, because you're like my buddy'ol'friend'ol'pal and all. I can't do it, he’s after me, and if you don't destroy this thing, he'll come after you too, he's 2 fast 4 Mii

Please Tom, destroy this god-forsaken disc before he comes after you too, it's too late for me.

Destroy the disc, and you'll destroy him, I mean it's that easy, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!? D'oh, BUT, do it quick otherwise he'll catch you. Don't even play the game, it's what he wants, just destroy-- you're just going to play the fucking game anyway aren't you.

Kyle"

Well, that was certainly weird. Even though Kyle IS my close buddy'ol'friend'ol'pal and I haven't seen him in 2 weeks, because he's on that vacation, I mean he even sent that through a POST CARD, and that's not it, it's one of them with the low tided beach at a sunset and the city of his vacation in really neat calligraphy and white text, the boasting assclown, because of that, I didn't do what he asked me. I didn't think that a metallic bagel do anything bad to him, obviously beside his teeth, god, I bet the inside of his mouth looks like he inside of a goddamn pidgeon's beak, after all it's just a game right? Boy, was I so right about that!

ANY way, I looked at the disc [I'm PRETTY sure they're called DISCS] and it looks like any ordinary computer CD-R disc, except it had black marker on it written "SONIC.EXE", but then again, everyone uses marker to put their creepy-ass shiznickels on stuff anyway, and it was much unlike Kyle's handwriting, I mean it was like Comic Sans MS, meaning that he must've gotten it from someone else, like a pawn shop or eBay or Bill Gates or the School Principal or something. When I saw "SONIC" on the writing of the CD, I was actually excited and got a little wet and wanted to play it, and Kyle didn't say not to, since I'm a a BIG Sonic fan, like, bigger than my di-

I went up to my room and turned on my computer and put the disc in and installed the game, you know, one of those Windows XP installers? Side note: I have a shoddy Windows XP. When the title screen popped up I noticed that it was the first Sonic game, I was like "isjfisjwig" Because like I said earlier I liked the classics. The first thing I noticed that was out of place was when I pressed start, there's was a split second when I saw the title image turned into something much different, something that I now consider horrifying, before cutting to black.

I remember what the image looked like in that split second before the game cut to black, because when it came up I jumped and pressed Print Screen and went into MS paint and I went "Let's see" then I pasted it and saved it, it's called "whattheactualfuckisthisitmademejumpoutmyskin.jpg"; Anyway... The sky had darkened, like so much, like 1AM darkened, the title emblem was rusted and ruined, I mean it's near the sea, why wouldn't it be ruined? The SEGA 1991 was now instead SEGA 666, creepy and underused amirite? Lastly, the water had turned red, like blood, or strawberry juice, gotta love strawberry juice, except it looked hyper-realistic, like, more than people clothes, hyper-realistic strawberry juice, mmmm...

But the freakiest thing that was in that split second frame was Sonic, his eyes were pitch black and there was strawberry juice down them, they were probably black because juice stings in the eyes, with two glowing red dots staring RIGHT AT ME, like, not at my shoulder, but like, in my face, like all up in my face being all "You wanna fight, mate?", and his smile had stretched wider up to the edge of his face, like someone photoshopped it or something. I was rather disturbed about that image when I saw it, but then I thought "I seriously wonder how Kyle's vacation is.", though I figured that it was just a glitch, because everything is a glitch, you're a glitch, I'm a glitch, and most importantly, Vanellope Von Schweetz is a glitch, so I was all, "ok" and forgot about it. After it cut to black it stayed like that for about 10 seconds or was it like 20 or 5 minutes, I have no real concept of time. And then another weird thing happened, the save file select from Sonic the Hedgehog 3 popped up, and I was like "WTF? What's this doing in the first Sonic game, and seriously, WHY DIDN'T KYLE TELL ME HE WAS GOING ON VACATION!?", anyway, then I like literally /just/ notice something off, the background was the dark cloudy sky of the Bad Stardust Speedway level from Sonic CD, and there were only three save files because most games have 3829 or something. The music was that creepy Caverns of Winter music from Earthbound, only it was BACKWARDS. And the image for the save file where you see a preview of the level you're on is just red static for all three files, like strawberry static.

What freaked me out more was the character select, it showed only Tails, that red one, Nipples I think and to my surprise, Dr. Robotnik, no not Sonic, Robotnik, the fatass! Now I was sure that something was up, I mean, how can you play as Robotnik in a classic Sonic game that isn't anything made past 1994, for crying out loud?

That's when I realized that this wasn't a glitchy game, it was a hacked game, I mean it like dawned me like a flashforward or something like that.

Yeah it definitely looked hacked, it was really creepy, but as a smart gamer, I wasn't scared... okay joking I flipped my chair and flailed my arms and ran up and down the stairs for about half an hour, but that's not the point, I told myself that it was just a hacked game and there's nothing wrong with that, but there WAS, nah, I'm just poking around, or AM I. Anyways, shaking off the creeped out feeling and stroke, I picked File 1 and chose Tails and when I selected and got started. The game froze for about 5 seconds and I heard a creepy pixelated laugh that sounded an awful lot like that Kefka guy from Final Phantasy Star Wars or whatever it is you eighties kids play, before cutting to black.