Geeky Gaming Girls: Season 1

This is a namely non-canon series based on The Angry Video Game Nerd and Pat the NES Punk, along with several video game review shows, made soley for entertainment purposes.

Plot
Zelda, Maya, and Lucy--three sisters that gather every so often to play video games at Zelda's place. Here, they have showed us their crazy antics. They'll play & review some games, consoles, and gaming accessories. Some will be good, some will be bad, but none will be safe from three of Tikal's harmless daughters!

Characters

 * Zelda the Echidna - daughter of Mephiles and Tikal and primary main character. She is a massive geek that has tech stuff and comics from all across the world and time, including nearly every video game console and game to exist.
 * Maya the Echidna - the peaceful daughter of Tikal and the one that normally plays most of the games. Maya takes fascination in most of the things Zelda has in her home.
 * Lucy the Echidnahog - daughter of Sonic and Tikal who normally just comments on the games and doesn't normally play as often as her sisters. She loves them both very much, but has a love-hate relationship with R.O.B.
 * R.O.B. (short for Robotic Operating Buddy) - an NES accesory that plays two games: Gyromite and Stack-Up. This one is a live one that talks, shoots weak lasers from his eyes, and also does some other work and helpfulness to the girls.

Episode 1: Fantasia (COMPLETED)
Zelda: (listening to music from The Megas)

Lucy: -knocks on the door- Zelda? Zelda? It's Lucy...

Zelda: Hmm? Come in!

Lucy: -enters- Is Maya here yet, sis?

Zelda: No.....

Maya: (runs in) Sorry I'm late!

Lucy: -hugs Maya- No sis, you're never late. ^^ It's okay.

Zelda: Okay, we're gonna be playing some games today. R.O.B., ya got the Monsters ready?

R.O.B.: Affirmative.

Lucy: "Monsters"?

R.O.B.: (throws some Monster Energy Drinks their ways)

Zelda: (catches)

Maya: (barely catches)

Lucy: -catches- ...If we need drinks, we're going to be playing a really bad game.

Zelda; Oooh boy! Sister, you have no idea! Today, we are playing... (pulls out a game) Fantasia on the Sega Genesis!

Lucy: I can already tell this is going to be bad. It sounds like a failed pop or techno band.

Zelda: Fantasia was a genius movie made by Disney, now transferred into the Sega Genesis. Let's pop this thing in and see what we get. (puts it in the Genesis slot of the Retron 3).

Lucy: Alright... Usually when we have movies turned into games, it turns into a pile of crap. My expectations aren't that high.

Maya: The intro music is so annoying to listen to. This may be a precursor to what we have in store for us.

Zelda: Okay, so you play as Mickey and the goal is to collect these music notes throughout the game. Why? I don't have a freaking clue.

Lucy: Uhh...okay.

Zelda: Okay, so we begin in Yensid's place, like the infamous skit from the movie. This is only part of the first level. And to say the least...it looks horrible.

Lucy: Ugh, the music... Can we say, ear-rape?

Maya: You can say that again. Well, we made it outside and now we're in sort of like a lake like level. And this is where things start getting difficult! (falls in water and dies) AWW DAMMIT!!

Zelda: Until you can learn to jump on enemies, you have to use these magic spells to attack enemies. But you run out too quickly, and there isn't enough power-ups to give you more! What were they thinking?!

Lucy: I think they were on crack, to be honest. Why, do you get hurt, by jumping on the enemeies?! Obviously these programmers didn't look at Sonic or Mario, heck ANY other game like this. This, is Windows Vista.

Zelda: Oh you can jump on enemies! But it's the most fucked up and broken way of jumping on enemies in the history of gaming!

Lucy: What a load of crap...

Zelda: You're not gonna believe me when I tell you this, but...to jump on enemies, you need to hold down while you jump. I shit thee not!

Maya: YOU HAVE TO HOLD DOWN TO JUMP ON THEM?!?!?!!? THAT IS ABSOLUTLEY STUPID AND TEDIOUS!!! In Mario and Sonic, you see an enemy, you press jump, you land on them, and they're dead, but here, YOU HAVE TO HOLD DOWN WHEN YOU JUMP?!?!?! And the controlls are absolutly pathetic and everything wants to kill you! THAT!! IS BULLSHIT!!!! (angrily drinks some Monster)

Zelda: (drinks some Monster too)

Lucy: Doesn't help that there are so many enemies on the screen that it makes really backed up traffic during rush hour with construction blush. -drinks some Monster-

Zelda: These platforms, I hate so much. They move in such irratic patterns, it's hard to even land on them. And the foreground keeps getting in the way! I can't see shit!

Mickey: (jumps behind the foreground and gets hit by a hard-to-see enemy)

Zelda: Look, how was I supposed to know there was something there?! This foreground comes striaght from hell!

Lucy: This, is buuuuulllllcrap!

Mickey: (jumps into a treasure chest, teh screen fades out and it teleports to an earlier part of the level)

Zelda: Wh-what?! How the--how'd I get here again?!

Maya: Apparently that treasure chest has some sort of Stargate in it that backtracks ya back to a previous part of the level! So you need to avoid that.

Zelda: Easier said than done, Maya, considering how ass these controls are! DAMN!! Lost my lives!

Lucy: Why is that even there?! It doesn't need to be there, there's no point on flinging you back to an earlier part of the level unless you missed something, which I doubt there is anything to miss in that section!

Zelda: Well, I get three continues. So I'm gonna use one so I can try aga--

(the game starts her up not at the last checkpoint, but right at the beggiming of the level)

Zelda: O.O W....t....f...? (silently drinks Monster)

Lucy: Oh, wow...

Maya: That's not a continue, that's a game over! When you continue, that means you want to start from when you last screwed up, not start the whole level over! WHAT WERE THESE ASSHOLES SMOKING?!?!?!? (angrily drinks)

Zelda: Okay, so when I finally reach the third section....

(the third section is revealed tio be the first section but with minor differences)

Zelda: Hmmm....this looks awfully familiar!!

Lucy: So this is a looping game of limbo?!

Zelda: Although it may look like it, it's actually a different section. With a bonus area door and waaaaay more enemies! And--D'OH!! DAMMIT!! I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME!! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!?!

Lucy: There's so many enemies on the screen, it makes a pack of sardines look like the widest pastures ever!!

Zelda: Well, I can't take this shit anymore! I can't even pass the first level! This game is an absolute atrocity! It's a disgrace to the Sega Genesis! To hell with this!! (throws the controller down in rage and turns the game off, takes out the cartridge)

Lucy: Walt Disney would call this an utter disgrace to his legacy!!

Maya: This thing can only be given one fitting fate! Girls, step back!

Zelda: (slowly steps back, holding the cartirdge)

Lucy: -takes a few steps back-

Maya: (fires a light bolt at it, destroying it)

Zelda: (sighs) So in gereal, Fantasia on the Sega Genesis is absolutly shit! The controls are mind-blowingly awful, the first level takes forever and it feels like you're running laps, and it's such a terible Genesis game. Ain't that right, R.O.B.

R.O.B.: Sentence: logically correct. Fantasia - terrible.

Zelda: There ya go.

Lucy: Such a crappy game would have a crappy ending if anyone was emo enough to die so many times to actually get that far to see it., not even worth it.

Girls: (drink their Monsters)

THE END

Episode 2: Little Red Hood (COMPLETED)
(the girls are looking through Zelda's ENORMOUS collection of video games)

Maya: Wow, Zelda! You sure have a lot of games.

Lucy: I know, right? It's ridiculous! -notices a black, irregular-shaped cartridge protruding from the the others- Huh? What's this? -pulls it out and reads it- ...Little Red Hood? What kind of NES game is this?

Zelda: Huh? Oh. That's a game based off Little Red Riding Hood.

Maya: This is the weirdest cartridge ever.....let's give it a try. (takes it and put it in the Retron 3)

R.O.B.: ERROR!! ERROR!!

Lucy: Huh? What is it, R.O.B.?

R.O.B.: Unlicensed NES game denied. Licensed Nintendo cartridge must be inserted into the top.

Maya: So that's why it's shaped like that...

Lucy: That's weird, the other unlicensed NES game cartridges don't have this crap.

Zelda: Well this thing was made in Malaysia and one of the rarest NES games in existant. If you play it on a toploading console, then it'll work just fine.

R.O.B.: Affirmative, but it still appears awkward and inoperatable.

Zelda: (groans) Fine. (puts Gyromite on it) Happy?

R.O.B.: Extremely. Thank you.

Zelda: Alright, let's just start this thing. (turns the power on)

Lucy: With a freaky cartridge, I don't know how great of a game this would be.

Maya: Okay, so I'm walking around this place and trying to find out where to go and already I'm being swarmed by bad guys. How do I beat them? Let's try kicking....

Little Red Hood: (kicks, but it does nothing)

Maya: Great, I can't kick the enemies. But, at least I can kick the palm trees.

Lucy: Why give an attack that doesn't work? It's redundant at that point.

Maya: Hmm? Oh. I can jump! Let's try this.....

Little Red Hood: (tried jumping on someone, but gtes hit)

Maya: No. That doesn't work either! Hmmm...let's go in this store.....

Lucy: Oh, look at these. A potion, a...heart? And a slingshot. Hey, the slingshot might be your shot at an actual attack.

Maya: Okay. (buys a heart and a slingshot) Let's try this thing out!

Little Red Hood: (throws the sling shot, but the enemy respawns immediatly)

Maya: Aren you kidding me? I throw it?! That doesn't make even the least amount of sense!! (drinks Monster)

Lucy: I suppose if they put a gun in there she'd be throwing that too!!

Zelda: It doesn't matter anyway. After a few shots, it's gone. Just like that.

Maya: Well...guess I might as well just focus on getting out of here and collect cherries.

Lucy: Um...how do you get out?

Maya: Hmm? Let's try this staircase....

(they find a room with some gold, candy and enemies, but otherwise it's a dead end)

Maya: Nope.

Lucy: Okay, so this is limbo... Why make a game where all you got is limbo?

Maya: (constantly exploring the stage and after 5 minutes, she finds a key in the secret room) That's odd....that wasn't there before. Maybe I get this....(leaves)

Little Red Hood: (wanders around until a blinking staircase appears; goes in it and the next level starts)

Maya: Wh-what?! That's all I had to do?! Why does it only appear whenever it wants to then?!

Lucy: To make the game longer I suppose?

Maya: Well, I'm on Level 2 and--that's odd, it's out in the open this time....and I can't touch the Panda or else I die....perfect...

Lucy: The game is cheating...

Maya: (gets it after the afterhit invincibility) Great. Next level....

Little Red Hood: (tries to jump on turtles to get across a waterfall, but keeps dying)

Maya: UGH!! And here I thought Fantasia had bad jumping controls!

Little Red Hood: (finally gets across and gets the key)

Maya: Ugh, finally!

20 minutes later.....

Maya: Man, that water level was so easy....

Zelda: Well at least they were trying to do something different.

Lucy: Hope there are more of them!

Maya: Okay, now in level 7, and my god is this taking forever! This is such a broken down mess! Everything is so random it's giving me a headache!

Lucy: It's like your a lab rat...

"Welcome to World 8"

Maya: Now time to find that key.....

1 hour later.....

Maya: Okay....what am I doing? I have been playing this for an hour and I don't see a darn key! I'm doing what the game has been telling me to do, so where's that fucking key?!

Lucy: I don't know...

Zelda: R.O.B., analyze teh cartridge and find a way to beat this level.

R.O.B.: (scans the catrtridge and TV screen) Gaming data secured. Searching for solution to maze.....results: special requirements for World 8 are as follows: 1 Invincibility Potion, 3 Slingshots.

Maya:...........WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT MADE THEM THINK TO JUST CHANGE THE RULES RIGHT THERE?!?!?!?! JUST TO DO SOMETHING TO GE THROUGH THAT??!?!?!?! HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO GUESS THAT?!?!?!? WHAT KIND OF IDIOTS PROGRAMMED IT LIKE THIS?!??!??! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (rages around the condo, then gulps up her Monster)

Lucy: Now THAT, is some bullcrap. It's like a crappy science expirement. I'll finish this for her... -takes the controller, buys the items, and finishes the level which took about 15 minutes-

Maya: In fact, I don't even expect a good ending! With so much cryptic bullshit that no one would even think yto find the ending, I expect a terrible ass-licking shitheap of an ending!!

Lucy: -finishes the game-

Game: Oh! My dear little red hood! Thank you for your coming!

Lucy: -pauses, then drops the controller and shrugs-

Maya: (calmy drinks ehr Monster) You did not disappoint us.

Zelda: Nope. (drinks) So to sum it up, it sucks. Little Red Hood is one of teh rarest NES games and also one of the worst. The controls are terrible, the enemies are impossible to kill, and it makes no sense. Not like it's a surprise. It's based off of a damn fairytale. So...(takes the games out and throws Little Red Hood through the end of the closet) Yeah. Now I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

Maya: Ugh....hope the next game isn't as terrible as this.....

THE END

Episode 3: Action 52 (COMPLETED)
Zelda: There are quite a few games that have more than one game on them, mostly 5 at the most, and nearly all of them are unlicensed. Some are really just plug-and-play games.....which suck hard balls. Well I've got a few myself, so let's have a look-see....

Lucy: -looks through the library and pulls out a clear cartridge- ...Action 52?

Zelda: Hmm? Oh that.

Maya: WHy is it clear? It looks so weird....

Zelda: Yeah. Action 52 is a compilation of 52 NES games made in 1991, and an unlicensed one too. This is the misfit of the unlicensed cartridges. Some of teh games were in gold, black, grey, and blue. But this one is clear. It is kinda cool though...

Maya: How much was this thing?

Zelda: $199

Maya: Say what?!

Zelda: Well there's 52 games....

Lucy: Uhh... Depending on how great the games are...

R.O.B.: Calculating price of each game.... 200 / 52 = 3.846153

Zelda:......Ya. Let's just say $4 a game.

Lucy: Huh... That's pretty good I guess, again, depending on the games though...

Maya: Let's put it in...(puts Action 52 into the Retron 3)


 * "Lights....Camera....ACTION 52!!"

"WAMP WAMP WAAAAAAMP"

Lucy: Uhhh... Cliche much?



Girls: (shrug and press start)

"Make your selection now!"

Maya: Okay, let's start this thing.....

1. Firebreathers

Maya: Hmmm....I think this is a 2-player game. Lucy?

Lucy: Okay. -picks up the second controller-

3 minutes later....

Maya: (yawns) this is boring....next

2. Starevil

Maya: (gets hit by an obsticle right away) How was I supposed to dodge that?! It just came at me right at the start, giving me no time to react!

Lucy: That's a load of crap. You're just supposed to know, that it's a vertical 2-D space shooter, and there's a huge obsticle right at the start. What a load of crap...

Maya: But this is pretty easy.....but now I'm stuck....well next game

3. Illuminator

Maya: Huh? I can't see anything! Not even my own character! What kind of game is this?!

Lucy: A bad game...

Maya: And I can't go any higher....so I'm done with this...

4. G-Force

Maya: Space shooter? Didn't we already play this?

Zelda: Except it's horizontal.

Lucy: -sarcastically- Don't we love reruns of our favorite shows? This is it.

Maya: Okay, next....

5. Ooze

Maya: Wow....you jump with the B button? I thought you used A to jump?

Lucy: Um... For every other normal game yes. -sighs- Another Windows Vista expirience.

Maya: And these jumping controls are horrible! Well, next!

6. Silver Sword

Maya: This sword isn't really silver and there's so much green!

Lucy: Green, green, green, and did I mention green?

Maya: This is pathetic....

7. Critical Bypass

Maya: AAAAH MY EYES!!!! THEY HURT!!!!

Lucy: Uhh... I think it's critical, that we bypass this game.

8. Jupiter Scope

Maya: Another space shooter? And so easy....and too boring. NEXT!!

9. Alfredo

(the girls get a blank screen)

Maya:....What happened? Where's the game?

Zelda: There is no game. It crashed.

Maya:......Ugh! What a bunch of fuck. NEXT!!

10. Operation Full Moon

Maya: Ugh....that looks so disgusting, I wanna throw up!

Lucy: EW! That is so gross of a green! NEXT!!

11. Dam Busters

Zelda: At least it looks decent.....

Maya: Great, I'm at a dead end--wait, how come I can't go back?! So now I'm stuck?!

Lucy: Add that projectiles phaze through the walls, looks like you're in limbo until you get killed...

12. Thrusters

Maya: ANOTHER space shooter?! Okay, now I'm getting annoyed by this!

13. Haunted Hill

Maya: Whoa....I wish I had breasts that big....

Lucy: You're not alone...

Maya: These controls are as bad as Ooze and--I died by just touching the air?! HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!?!?!

Lucy: o_____o If you asked them I don't think they can answer you.

14. Chill Out

Maya: I wish I could chill out! These controls keep getting worse and I'm dying in mid-air AGAIN!!!

Lucy: Lovely, you hit the air so hard, that you die!

15. Sharks

Maya: Ugh....this is so boring.....gimme some sharks to kill!

Lucy: Honestly, it's boing to watch. Where, are the darn sharks?!

16. Megalonia

Maya: Another space shooter?! How many do we need?! UGH!!!

17. French Baker

Maya: Whoa!! Talk about a chaotic kitchen!

Lucy: Everything's trying to kill you!

Maya: UGH!! Dying in mid-air again!

18. Atmos Quake

Maya: SIX?!!? SIX SPACE SHOOTERS?!?!?! I'm getting sick of this shit!!

19. Meong

Maya: Okay....I ahve no idea what I'm doing....

20. Space Dreams

Lucy: Oh hey, what could this be? -game starts- Why of course, ANOTHER SPACE SHOOTER.

Maya: Ugh, SEVEN!!!! I'm getting sick of this shit! Can't they add some sort of variet--what's that enemy right there? Is....is that a safety pin?!

Zelda; (looks closer) Looks like it.

Maya:.........(calmly drinks) SAFETY PINS AS ENEMIES IN A FUCKING SHOOTING GAME?!?!!

Lucy: -calmly drinks- They must've been stoned, I swear.

21. Streemerz

Maya: Reminds me of Spider-Man....these money bags and rabbits do nothing so what's the--oh great it crashed!

Lucy: -sighs in relief- Alright, NEXT!

22. Spread Fire

Maya: UGH!!! EIGHT!!! I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS!!!!

23. Bubblegum Rosy

Maya: Well, something new at least......wait. How do I not die when I touch the spikes?

Lucy: Uhh... Doesn't seem like this game has any rules...

24. Micro Mike

Maya: WHOOAAAAA!!! Man! Too fast! Too fast!! TOO FAST!!!! D'OH!!!!

25. Underground

Maya:.....Okay. How do I get killed by mushrooms?!

Lucy: The only explanation I can come up with is poisonous, but even then that's only if you ingest them. You can fall from a great height and survive, but you get killed by touching mushrooms... What were they thinking?!

Maya: Next....

26. Rocket Jockey

Maya:......NINE, FUCKING, SPACE SHOOTERS?!?!??!??!??!?! HOW MANY DO YOU NEED?!?!?!?!?!? THAT'S IT!!! I'VE HAD IT!!!!!! (throws teh controller down in rage and starts massacring the whole place before panting and drinking up her Monster) I'm sorry, you girls take over, cuz I can't put myself through anymore of that shit!!

Lucy: It's okay Maya... -takes up the controller- So that's at least half of this thing's monetary value gone...

27. Non Human

Lucy: Fitting, nothing is "human". ...And those faces that take up half the screen are creeping me out... -keeps dying, being unable to jump over a hole- ...Really? Really. Really... -calmly drinks some Monster-

28. Cry Baby

Lucy: Oh, now the game is just facepalming at how bad we're doing, when it's the game's fault! -starts playing- Uhhh... Baby, adult, baby, adult...what is wrong here?

Zelda: I don't understand....

29. Slashers

Lucy: Such a misleading title. You'd think this'd be a horror game, but no. It's a really crappy beat 'em up that you have to kill everyone you see. You got no choice because the game stops you.

Maya: And one of the enemies is a green version of the boob chick from Haunted Hill.

Lucy: Yeah... Doesn't make sense...

30. Crazy Shuffle

Lucy: ...I can't see a darn thing! I need a freaking magnefying glass to see these things!

31. Fuzz Power

Lucy: ...Got that right. Big feet, big nose, and a crapload of fuzz. And I'm supposed to beat hairdryers and brushes? Really? -plays for a bit, but then gets hammered until the character is naked- ...This is a load of crap.

R.O.B.: CENSOR!! CENSOR!! CENSOR!!

Zelda & MayA: (AAAH MY GODD!! OH MAN THAT'S NASTY!!! WHAT IN THE--AAAUGH!!!!

Maya: (drinks)......I hate Action 52 so fuckin much!! (cries)

32. Shooting Gallery

Lucy: -playing for ten minutes- ...This is way too easy. No time limits, enemies don't disappear until they're shot, and I can't die. This will never end... At least I can get out by pausing the game with Start then hitting Select. -does so, but the game crashes- ...REALLY?! THE ONE GAME THAT DOESN'T END CRASHES WHEN YOU TRY TO QUIT!! -drinks some Monster-

Zelda: (resets the game)

33. Lollipop

Lucy: Umm... What an embarressing weapon...

Maya: You jump up a ladder? HUH?!?!

Lucy: What the heck?! Gaaaahh...!!! NEXT!!!

34. Evil Empire

Maya: Oh my god...so puny....

Lucy: Oh, some crazy things are happening over there, I wanna join in. -jumps and dies in mid-air- Ugh...

35. Sombreros

Lucy: Well... I guess this is befitting... Though only the main character has a sombrero on as far as I'm concerned...

Zelda: Not much to say about this one....next

36. Storm Over the Desert

Lucy: Oh wow, a title screen. -playing for a while- ...I can't die.

Maya: Can you at least try to kill people without cheating?

Lucy: I'm not doing anything! A tank crashes into me and that tank dies!

Zelda: Hey...is that....a giant Saddam Hussain?!

Lucy: How did they screw up the portportion this bad?! The soldiers aren't gigantic!

Maya: (yawns) This is boring...

37. Mash Man

Lucy: ...This is just a clone of Fuzz Power...

Maya: Well, at least there's no more space shooters....

38. They Came....

Zelda: You were saying?

Maya: TEN SPACE SHOOTERS?!?!?! SON OF A BITCH!!!!!! (angrily drinks)

Lucy: Really... -calmly drinks-

39. Lazer League

Lucy: By the way... Number eleven.

Maya: (screams so loud the windows break) WHY....SO....FUCKING...MANY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Lucy: I don't know... Maybe because they're the easiest to program? Make a black background, put dots on it and call it space.

Zelda: By the way, Maya, you owe me.......20,000 rings.

Maya: (looks around the damage she just did)....Oops.

40. Billy Bob

Lucy: Well...this looks tolerable.

Billy Bob: (falls and dies in mid-air on the second screen)

Zelda: You were saying?

Lucy: Oh, I should've learned. In Action 52, you cannot jump down. You'll hit the air so hard that you die!

Zelda: Second screen in the game, and it's a dead end

41. City of Doom

Lucy: Umm... Okay? I'm crawling up a building while the tenants throw crap at me. -after playing for a while- How tall is this building?! It must lead into space!

Maya: Lucy, please! Don't say space! I don't wanna hear a single thing about space!

42. Bits and Pieces

Lucy: Ooh, a monster game. ...But all I'm doing is jumping. An attack would be nice.

Maya: Or anything like a normal game!

43. Beeps and Blips

Lucy: Umm... A shape, shooting at other shapes... Reject sprites from other games?

44. Manchester

Maya:....I don't get this at all.

45. Boss

Lucy: Umm... Misleading title, and can't get past this bomb part. Go too early, bomb gets you. Go too late, the next one gets you.

46. Dedant

Maya: Wow....very clever...

Zelda: (sings the Pink Panther theme with the title)

Lucy: Oh, but I can only go left and right, which means if an ant gets down to where I am, I'm screwed! Next...

47. Hambo

Lucy: A jumping game...with crappy jumping controls...

48. Time Warp Tickers

Zelda & Maya: O___O W....T....F....?

Lucy: O_____________O THIS, MAKES NO SENSE...WHATSOEVER!!! -frantically drinks-

49. Jigsaw

Lucy: ...It crashed... Lovely, another delinquent game...

50. Ninja Assault

Lucy: Another beat 'em up...if I can call it that...

51. Robbie Robot

Lucy: Umm...that's no robot... -gets to the second level, and dies- ...SO IT GOES FROM IMPOSSIBLE TO LOSE TO IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT?!?! ARE YOU CRAPPING ME?!?! THIS GAME, IS CRAPPING ME!!!

Zelda: Well....there's one last game....the feature presentation of the cartridge....

52. Cheetahmen

Lucy: This actually has a story...a crappy one but still...

Maya: At least the music's actually good...and there's no space...

Lucy: Yeah...

Zelda: Well ya barely got through that level. Now it's real sidescrolling!

Lucy: Yeah. -finds out the jumping glitch- o_o Okay then...

Maya: So you're going to cheat, huh?

Lucy: Maya, this whole thing is a cheat.

Maya: (sees she died at the top of the screen and laughs) Serves you right!

Lucy: Yeah, when you fall you don't drop from the ceiling and live... But jumping from a great height kills you anyway.

Zelda: Okay, now you're a giant cheetah. So difficult now.

Lucy: Giant cheetah... You'd think this guy would be a juggernaut, but no, he's as easy to beat as paper!

Maya: Now you fell thro--huh?!

Lucy: Uhh...a 1-Up? And it takes me to the next level?

Maya:......(calmly drinks) Must....not....rage.....

Lucy: -plays til she encounters the Rino Man and gets OHKO'd- o_o Wow... -calmly drinks-

Zelda: Ouch!

Lucy: YA THINK?!

Zelda: And that's it...

Lucy: THIS SUCKS!! THE ONLY WAY TO BEAT THIS GAME IS TO CHEAT!! MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED, CHEETAHMEN!!

Maya: I......fucking....HATE THIS GAME!!!! THIS IS A FUCKING MESS!!! GAMES THAT CRASH AND GLITCH, HORRIBLE GRAPHICS, LACK OF VARIETY IN GAMES, GAMES THAT ARE TOO EASY, GAMES THAT ARE TOO HARD, AND TOO...MANY....SPACE SHOOTERS!!!!! FUCK THIS PIECE OF HORSESHIT!!!!! (angrily blasts the game away with a beam of light then finishes her Monster)

Lucy: GAAAAAAAHHH!!!! -finishes her Monster-

Zelda: there is a Sega Genesis version, but as you can see, we need to get that 8-bit mess out of our system....we will, however, do the one other game these assholes made......

Lucy: Oh, what's that?

Zelda: A sequel to Action 52....

Maya: (cringes) No....oh please no...

Zelda: (shows them a familiar cartridge)

Maya: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO BE CONCLUDED.....

Episode 4: Cheetahmen II (COMPLETED)
Maya: (crying on the couch) Whyyyyy......?

Lucy: -hugging Maya, but crying also-

Zelda: (sighs) Yes....there is a Cheetahmen II. However, like Little Red Hood, it is one of the most rare NES games, since it was never released and only 1500 of these things are known to exist. Active Enterprises--the company that made Action 52--was planning to release it and a "portable" system, but this thing wasn't released until several years later. How they were found, I don't know. Nor do I care.

Lucy: NO, NOT A SEQUEL TO THAT LOAD OF BULL CRAP!!!!

R.O.B.: (shows cartridge) Cheetahmen II cartridge presenting.

Lucy: NOOOO!!!! NOT A SECOND CHEETAHMEN!!! I'M NOT PLAYING THAT!!!

R.O.B.: (Turns the cartiridge over)

Maya: Huh? Th....that's the same plastic casing from Action 52!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

Lucy: REALLY?! IT MUST BE THAT BAD!!

Maya: Let's pop this thing in and find out...(puts it in the Retron 3)

Lucy: Oh no... >.<



Maya: I'll do it this time....oaky, so it's a bit better story this time. Alright first level, I'm Apollo, the shooting cheetah and the leader.

Zelda: How do you tell which is which?

Maya: I pay close attention.

Lucy: -hiding behind Zelda-

Maya: Wait......these graphics and music....they're the same from the last one! Were they even trying this time?!

Aries: (dead)

Maya: Well at least I have a health bar this time around.....and I die by jumping. FUN!!

Lucy: Wonderful...

Maya: Ugh! Too many enemies on the ground, and most of them are too short to hit! D'OH!! Dead!!

Zelda: You'd think they'd improve all the problems with teh first one, but no they made it worse. Enemies go through the ground, and what the fuck is that?! Looks like the game's taking an 8-bit shit!

Maya: Finally onto Level 2, and it's not getting any easier...

Lucy: That jumping glitch would work really well here...

Maya: Huh? I shoot tornados....and it gets destroyed in a single shot?.....who thought of this shit?!

Lucy: ...When we see a tornado, let's shoot it with an arrow. See what happens.

Maya: Well at least I'm doing good. BOOM!! Headshot! BOOM!! Headshot! BOOM!! Headshot!! AHAHAHA!!!

Lucy: Yeah...

Maya: (gets to the boss) Oh my god....this is so easy....

Lucy: Too easy... All he's doing is just running to the right.

Maya: Okay, Level 3 and now I'm Hercules, the big cheetah. The jumping glitch works....but I won't use it....

Lucy: -shrugs-

Maya: HAH!! HIYAA!!! Take this!! BAM!! POW!!! BOOSH!!! HIYAAA!!! Wow, this is actually very fu--Level 3!? I just beat Level 3!

Zelda: Well the first one had 2 level 3's as well.

Lucy: How can they make the same mistake twice?!

Maya: (shrugs while playing) Perhaps it was intentional....okay, now for the ape man....(starts trying to beat it up)

Lucy: ...Can this boss fight look any more suggestive?

Maya: UGH!!....where'd he go?

Ape Man: (doesn't return)

maya:....I ahte to cheat but.....

Hercules: (tires jumping up continuosly til half his bodt is at the bottom of the screen, but he doesn't die)

Maya: WHAAAT?! I CAN'T KILL MYSELF WHEN I WANT TO?! I'M STUCK?! (drinks) so now I have to reset the game to try again....(resets the game)

30 minutes later....

Maya: This time you aren't getting away! (beats the Ape Man's ass like a bawss) BOOYAH!!!!!

Hercules: (still stuck in limbo)

Maya: Ummmm.....WHAT?!?!?! So, is that it?!

Zelda: Guess so.

R.O.B.: Negative.

Lucy: Huh? There's more?

R.O.B.: Affirmative. If player beats Lever 3B, they are sttuck in limbo. However, if certain conditions are met, game will start up in final levels, to complete Levels 3C and 3D.

Maya: Wait....they're also called Level 3?!

R.O.B.: Constantly turn power on & off, and the game will begin on missing levels

Maya: (does just that)

R.O.B.: Incorrect order. Try again.

Maya: (does so)

R.O.B.: Incorrect order. Try again.

Maya: (groans)

45 Minutes later.....

R.O.B.: Again!....Again!.....Again!......Sequence complete. You may now play Level 3C and Level 3D.

Maya: FINALLY!!!

Zelda: Yeah, so as R.O.B. said, there are actually 4 Level 3's. Why I ahve no idea....

Lucy: That's a load of crap...

Maya: These levels look like the same as the original Cheetahmen.....well I'm playing as the last cheetah, Aries. He's the martial arts guy and just beating everyone up in glitch land....

Lucy: Lovely...

Maya: This game isn't too bad, but it's glicthed up. I think Cheetahmen would have been a great franchise had it not been for the bad games.....okay, on the last level...

Lucy: Another easy boss I assume?

Maya: Yep! HUH!! NGH!! NGH!! YEAH!! I WIN!!! (high-fives her sisters)

Lucy: YEAH! -high-fives her-

Zelda: (high-fives)

Maya:.......(notices she's still in limbo) Huh?

R.O.B.: Game completed. You are stuck.

Maya: Wait....that's it?

R.O.B.: Affirimative.

Maya: (calmly drinks) Well...at least I beat the game. All I have to say is if Action 52 wasn't such a flop, Cheetahmen would be a great rival to the Ninja Turtles.

Lucy: Maybe....

Zelda: But before we leave, there's one last thing: the unreleased Action Gamemaster. It was supposed to be Active Enterprises' portable system, it would have played NES, SNES, Genesis games, CD's, and have it's own game in Cheetahmen III. Now we do have a poster of it, so let's take a look. R.O.B., fax it.

R.O.B.: (eyes do this sonicwave thing to a fax machine and shows a poster of the Action Gamemaster)



Zelda: (takes it and looks) O____O (shows her sisters the poster)

Maya: What..the fuck?

Lucy: Um... Can you even play that bulky think in your house?! Let alone trying to go somewhere with that huge thing!

Zelda: Does this thing look portable to you?!

Maya: Not to me...

Lucy: That small screen would cause so much eye strain...

Zelda: 3.2 inch LCD display?! How would anyone be able to see a screen that small?! And it would feel even bulkier than the Atari Lynx. And considering all the features this thing would do, not only would it feel heavy, but I can't imagine how many batteries it would take and how fast they would be drained.

Maya: It's no wonder why Active was such a fail. Who would really want to play this piece of fuck?!

Zelda: Not me! I'd rather play the Virtual Boy!

Lucy: And the Virtual Boy's pretty much unplayable to take on the go!

Zelda: Hmmm.....

THE END

Episode 5: Virtual Boy
Zelda: It was now 1995. In video gaming, consumers were anxiously awaiting some of the latest consoles that were sure to blow everyone's minds: The Sega Saturn, the Nintendo 64, and the Sony Playstation. But during the N64's ongoing delay, Nintendo unvealed the Virtual Boy--originally known as VR32--to fill the time and continue its successful line of portable handheld gaming systems. It would have helped simulate the idea of virtual reality. It seemed like an awesome concept, but instead, it turned out to be one of--if not the--worst consoles of all time.....

Maya: (holding the Virtual Boy) Oh man...where do we even begin with this....?

R.O.B.: (refusing to look anywhere near the system)

Lucy: Looks like bulky goggles...

Zelda: We talked about how awkward and uncomfortable it would have been for the Action GameMaster. But Nintendo did it with this thing. There's no headstrap, and it would be extremely difficult to find a confortable place to play this thing.

Maya: Not only that, but this thing causes headeaches, seizures, and eye strain as well. Talk about unsuitable gaming!

Lucy: That's a load of crap!

Zelda: Well let's just look at them....so, who's brave enough?

Lucy: -sighs- I'll do this... -takes up the controller and looks into the console-

Zelda: R.O.B., projector mode.

R.O.B.: Negative.

Zelda: R.O.B!

R.O.B.: I refuse to waste energy on a piece of crap like this.

Zelda: Well your games weren't any better!

R.O.B.: Silence! (shoots lasers at them, but barely misses)

Zelda: Projector mode or I'm not reviewing your games....EVER!!

R.O.B.:....Affirmative...(projects the Virtual Boy screen so Zelda and Maya can see it)

Zelda: Thank you. Now then, let's start with Mario's Tennis. (puts it in)

Lucy: Eww! Red and black! -tries playing it-



Zelda: Yeah, that was a bit of a letdown. The original Game Boy was in black and white, but the Virtual Boy was supposed to be cutting edge, so everyone expected it to be in color. But no...life isn't fair.

Maya; This looks like an okay game, but....this doesn't exactly feel like Virtual Reality too much.

Lucy: Yeah... I'd rather play this on the Super Nintendo...

Zelda: Still, it's an okay game....okay, what's next?

Maya: How about....Galactic Pinball?

Zelda: (puts it in)

Lucy: I feel like I'm taking an eye exam!



Zelda: Yeah, it's kinda hard to look at even looking at the projector.....

Maya: Just seems like any ordinary pinball game.

Zelda: Honestly, if I ever wanted to play pinball, I'd just go to the arcade. Never really understood the point of putting pinball onto a home console.

Lucy: --trying to hit the ball harder by hitting the buttons harder- At least the arcade lets you hit the ball harder!

Maya: Well...if you play this long enough and go blind, at least you can become the pinball wizard.

Zelda; I...don't think Lucy has the patience for it..

Lucy: No thanks! Next!!

Zelda: Okay, let's try Red Alarm. (puts it in)

Maya: All these games are red, so what's the point?

Zelda: This game is one of the best Virtual Boy Games, so...

Lucy: BEST?! All there is is wire frames!!

Zelda: Yeah, it is kinda hard to figure out where to go....you can also choose the POV camera angle.

Lucy: -selects it- Because this is supposed to be VIRTUAL REALITY.

Zelda: There's only one other game that has this feature...wanna try it out?

Lucy: -rams into a "wall"- ...Sure.

Zelda: Okay, it's Teleroboxer (puts it in)

Maya: Wow! This looks cool! And it's first-person!

Lucy: Oh hey! I can use both D-Pads!

Maya: Now this is more like virtual reality! Go get him sis!

Lucy: -makes short work of her opponent- YEAH!

Zelda: Okay, next is Virtual League Baseball. (puts it in)

Maya: Man....are those fielders small or what?

Lucy: It's like trying to play Evil Empire on Action 52!

Maya: Doesn't quite feel like Virtual Reality to me....next!

Zelda: Okay, next is Mario Clash. (puts it in)

Maya: Well, this one has to be at least half-decent.

Zelda: (awkward silence)

Maya:.....Oh brother.

Lucy: Umm... Not really?

Zelda: Yeah....it's just a remake of the original Mario Bros. arcade game. That...is just pathetic.

Lucy: This doesn't need to be here...

Zelda: Another thing to note is that they swapped the buttons: A throws shells and B jumps. How do you fuck up the controls for a Mario game?

Lucy: Oh, I kinda forgot... After playing Action 52 so much, I forgot that the standard was that A is jump...

Zelda: This game goes on for 99 levels, so it's the longest Virtual Boy game. But since it causes eye strain, it shouldn't be finished in one sitting.

Lucy: Yeah... No thanks, get me outta here.

Zelda: Okay, this one's a great one and very rare. AIt's called Jack Bros. (puts it in)

Maya: Awww, they look so cute!

Zelda: The plot is that you play as one of the Jack Bros. and have to reach your home before the time runs out or you'll disappear forever.

Lucy: Uh, okay... Nothing that the Super Nintendo couldn't handle...

Maya: Wow....this game's pretty short....but it looks alright....still, doesn't feel like Virtual Reality...

Lucy: Another game that shouldn't be here... It should be a SNES game...

Zelda: Okay, next is Golf...yeah, just Golf. (puts it in)

Maya:......What's golf?

Zelda: Watch and find out.

Lucy: Wow... This is boring...

Maya: Is this supposed to be red?

Zelda: No. It's really nausiating to look at.

Lucy: I'm done with this game... I don't think I can take much more of it.

Zelda: Okay, next is Wario Land, arguably the best game on the Virtual Boy. (puts it in)



Lucy: -starts playing- ...This is a good game, but it'd be much better on SNES.

Maya: This guy is so Fat.....

Zelda: Meh....we're almost done with this...

Lucy: Most of these games are better off on the Super Nintendo.

Zelda: Okay, next is Panic Bomber...(puts it in)

Maya: What? A puzzle game? This isn't virtual at all!

Zelda: But it's good anyway....Lucy?

Lucy: This, should be on the Game Boy...

Maya: And aren't puzzle games most fun with friends?

Zelda: Well an extension cord was planned to hook up two Virtual Boy's, but the thing was of much of a failure, it was retired before Nintendo could release one....okay, four more left, let's get 'em over with....

Lucy: Yes, please!

Zelda: Next is Vertical Force....(puts it in)

Maya: Oh no! No no no no NOOO!!!! SPACE!!! SHOOTER!!! NOT MORE OF THIS SHIT!!!! I HATE THIS SHIT!! I HATE SPACE SHOOTERS!!! THEY'RE STUPID, THEY'RE BORING, THEY DRIVE ME INSANE!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (goes apeshit insane and smashes her face into a TV)

Zelda: Yeah. I knew you'd like that sis.

Lucy: UGH! ANOTHER space shooter?! I swear, this is Action 52 all over again!!

Zelda: Well, the only 3D aspect is the plane can move between altitudes.

Lucy: Another game that's better of on the Super Nintendo, or if it can't handle it, the Nintendo 64.

Maya: Ugh, is it over....?

Zelda: A couple more, Nester's Funky Bowling. (puts it in)

Maya: Who's Nester?

Zelda: A character from Nintendo Power comics.....yeah, it's kinda stupid.

Lucy: Very... Nothing virtual reality about this...

Maya: He's cute though.....

Zelda & Lucy: (look at her oddly)

Maya:.....What?

Zelda: (sighs) Well, next up is 3D Tetris...(puts it in)



Lucy: Okay, I like the better attempt at the 3-D...

Zelda: I don't, it looks way too awkward and confusing. And it feels disorienting....

Maya: It doesn't look too impressive either...

Lucy: -sighs-

Zelda: But now....I saved the very worst for last....the only movie-based game on this thing, and perhaps the worst possible candidate for this....Waterworld! (puts it in)

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUNN!!!!!!!!

Lucy: Oh...my...gawd... This, is teribad...

Zelda: It looks like shit, doesn't it R.O.B.?

R.O.B.: (plays clip of Dennis Hopper from the movie) It does look like shit.

Lucy: Yeah...

Zelda: Well that's it. , R.O.B., turn projector mode off. I think you and Lucy have suffered enough.

R.O.B.: (stop projjecting the Virtual Boy screen) I swear to terminate you for this!

Zelda: (giggles)

Lucy: UGH! -pulls away from the console and drops the controller, then hugs Maya- MY EYES!!

Maya: (cuddles with her) I feel your pain sister,....but the games weren't too bad....

Zelda; True, but they're just games you can just as easily play on a Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis. While they did try to take advantage of some 3D aspects, they made no attempt to try virtual reality. Only 22 games in total were ever released for the system; 19 in Japan, 14 in North America, and this thing didn't even last a full year!

Lucy: That punching game made an attempt though, at least with that game you can use both D-pads to control each arm, one to block and one to punch...

Zelda: Yeah, one game! ONE GAME!!!

Maya: You know....I'm going to go back to the past now....(walks to the NES closet)

Zelda:....Lucy?

Lucy: ...Yeah?

Zelda: Let's play some NES classics! You in?