Geeky Gaming Girls: Season 1

This is a namely non-canon series based on The Angry Video Game Nerd and Pat the NES Punk, along with several video game review shows, made soley for entertainment purposes.

Plot
Zelda, Maya, and Lucy--three sisters that gather every so often to play video games at Zelda's place. Here, they have showed us their crazy antics. They'll play & review some games, consoles, and gaming accessories. Some will be good, some will be bad, but none will be safe from three of Tikal's harmless daughters!

Characters

 * Zelda the Echidna - daughter of Mephiles and Tikal and primary main character. She is a massive geek that has tech stuff and comics from all across the world and time, including nearly every video game console and game to exist.
 * Maya the Echidna - the peaceful daughter of Tikal and the one that normally plays most of the games. Maya takes fascination in most of the things Zelda has in her home.
 * Lucy the Echidnahog - daughter of Sonic and Tikal who normally just comments on the games and doesn't normally play as often as her sisters. She loves them both very much, but has a love-hate relationship with R.O.B.
 * R.O.B. (short for Robotic Operating Buddy) - an NES accesory that plays two games: Gyromite and Stack-Up. This one is a live one that talks, shoots weak lasers from his eyes, and also does some other work and helpfulness to the girls.

Episode 1: Fantasia (COMPLETED)
Zelda: (listening to music from The Megas)

Lucy: -knocks on the door- Zelda? Zelda? It's Lucy...

Zelda: Hmm? Come in!

Lucy: -enters- Is Maya here yet, sis?

Zelda: No.....

Maya: (runs in) Sorry I'm late!

Lucy: -hugs Maya- No sis, you're never late. ^^ It's okay.

Zelda: Okay, we're gonna be playing some games today. R.O.B., ya got the Monsters ready?

R.O.B.: Affirmative.

Lucy: "Monsters"?

R.O.B.: (throws some Monster Energy Drinks their ways)

Zelda: (catches)

Maya: (barely catches)

Lucy: -catches- ...If we need drinks, we're going to be playing a really bad game.

Zelda; Oooh boy! Sister, you have no idea! Today, we are playing... (pulls out a game) Fantasia on the Sega Genesis!

Lucy: I can already tell this is going to be bad. It sounds like a failed pop or techno band.

Zelda: Fantasia was a genius movie made by Disney, now transferred into the Sega Genesis. Let's pop this thing in and see what we get. (puts it in the Genesis slot of the Retron 3).

Lucy: Alright... Usually when we have movies turned into games, it turns into a pile of crap. My expectations aren't that high.

Maya: The intro music is so annoying to listen to. This may be a precursor to what we have in store for us.

Zelda: Okay, so you play as Mickey and the goal is to collect these music notes throughout the game. Why? I don't have a freaking clue.

Lucy: Uhh...okay.

Zelda: Okay, so we begin in Yensid's place, like the infamous skit from the movie. This is only part of the first level. And to say the least...it looks horrible.

Lucy: Ugh, the music... Can we say, ear-rape?

Maya: You can say that again. Well, we made it outside and now we're in sort of like a lake like level. And this is where things start getting difficult! (falls in water and dies) AWW DAMMIT!!

Zelda: Until you can learn to jump on enemies, you have to use these magic spells to attack enemies. But you run out too quickly, and there isn't enough power-ups to give you more! What were they thinking?!

Lucy: I think they were on crack, to be honest. Why, do you get hurt, by jumping on the enemeies?! Obviously these programmers didn't look at Sonic or Mario, heck ANY other game like this. This, is Windows Vista.

Zelda: Oh you can jump on enemies! But it's the most fucked up and broken way of jumping on enemies in the history of gaming!

Lucy: What a load of crap...

Zelda: You're not gonna believe me when I tell you this, but...to jump on enemies, you need to hold down while you jump. I shit thee not!

Maya: YOU HAVE TO HOLD DOWN TO JUMP ON THEM?!?!?!!? THAT IS ABSOLUTLEY STUPID AND TEDIOUS!!! In Mario and Sonic, you see an enemy, you press jump, you land on them, and they're dead, but here, YOU HAVE TO HOLD DOWN WHEN YOU JUMP?!?!?! And the controlls are absolutly pathetic and everything wants to kill you! THAT!! IS BULLSHIT!!!! (angrily drinks some Monster)

Zelda: (drinks some Monster too)

Lucy: Doesn't help that there are so many enemies on the screen that it makes really backed up traffic during rush hour with construction blush. -drinks some Monster-

Zelda: These platforms, I hate so much. They move in such irratic patterns, it's hard to even land on them. And the foreground keeps getting in the way! I can't see shit!

Mickey: (jumps behind the foreground and gets hit by a hard-to-see enemy)

Zelda: Look, how was I supposed to know there was something there?! This foreground comes striaght from hell!

Lucy: This, is buuuuulllllcrap!

Mickey: (jumps into a treasure chest, teh screen fades out and it teleports to an earlier part of the level)

Zelda: Wh-what?! How the--how'd I get here again?!

Maya: Apparently that treasure chest has some sort of Stargate in it that backtracks ya back to a previous part of the level! So you need to avoid that.

Zelda: Easier said than done, Maya, considering how ass these controls are! DAMN!! Lost my lives!

Lucy: Why is that even there?! It doesn't need to be there, there's no point on flinging you back to an earlier part of the level unless you missed something, which I doubt there is anything to miss in that section!

Zelda: Well, I get three continues. So I'm gonna use one so I can try aga--

(the game starts her up not at the last checkpoint, but right at the beggiming of the level)

Zelda: O.O W....t....f...? (silently drinks Monster)

Lucy: Oh, wow...

Maya: That's not a continue, that's a game over! When you continue, that means you want to start from when you last screwed up, not start the whole level over! WHAT WERE THESE ASSHOLES SMOKING?!?!?!? (angrily drinks)

Zelda: Okay, so when I finally reach the third section....

(the third section is revealed tio be the first section but with minor differences)

Zelda: Hmmm....this looks awfully familiar!!

Lucy: So this is a looping game of limbo?!

Zelda: Although it may look like it, it's actually a different section. With a bonus area door and waaaaay more enemies! And--D'OH!! DAMMIT!! I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME!! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!?!

Lucy: There's so many enemies on the screen, it makes a pack of sardines look like the widest pastures ever!!

Zelda: Well, I can't take this shit anymore! I can't even pass the first level! This game is an absolute atrocity! It's a disgrace to the Sega Genesis! To hell with this!! (throws the controller down in rage and turns the game off, takes out the cartridge)

Lucy: Walt Disney would call this an utter disgrace to his legacy!!

Maya: This thing can only be given one fitting fate! Girls, step back!

Zelda: (slowly steps back, holding the cartirdge)

Lucy: -takes a few steps back-

Maya: (fires a light bolt at it, destroying it)

Zelda: (sighs) So in gereal, Fantasia on the Sega Genesis is absolutly shit! The controls are mind-blowingly awful, the first level takes forever and it feels like you're running laps, and it's such a terible Genesis game. Ain't that right, R.O.B.

R.O.B.: Sentence: logically correct. Fantasia - terrible.

Zelda: There ya go.

Lucy: Such a crappy game would have a crappy ending if anyone was emo enough to die so many times to actually get that far to see it., not even worth it.

Girls: (drink their Monsters)

THE END

Episode 2: Little Red Hood (COMPLETED)
(the girls are looking through Zelda's ENORMOUS collection of video games)

Maya: Wow, Zelda! You sure have a lot of games.

Lucy: I know, right? It's ridiculous! -notices a black, irregular-shaped cartridge protruding from the the others- Huh? What's this? -pulls it out and reads it- ...Little Red Hood? What kind of NES game is this?

Zelda: Huh? Oh. That's a game based off Little Red Riding Hood.

Maya: This is the weirdest cartridge ever.....let's give it a try. (takes it and put it in the Retron 3)

R.O.B.: ERROR!! ERROR!!

Lucy: Huh? What is it, R.O.B.?

R.O.B.: Unlicensed NES game denied. Licensed Nintendo cartridge must be inserted into the top.

Maya: So that's why it's shaped like that...

Lucy: That's weird, the other unlicensed NES game cartridges don't have this crap.

Zelda: Well this thing was made in Malaysia and one of the rarest NES games in existant. If you play it on a toploading console, then it'll work just fine.

R.O.B.: Affirmative, but it still appears awkward and inoperatable.

Zelda: (groans) Fine. (puts Gyromite on it) Happy?

R.O.B.: Extremely. Thank you.

Zelda: Alright, let's just start this thing. (turns the power on)

Lucy: With a freaky cartridge, I don't know how great of a game this would be.

Maya: Okay, so I'm walking around this place and trying to find out where to go and already I'm being swarmed by bad guys. How do I beat them? Let's try kicking....

Little Red Hood: (kicks, but it does nothing)

Maya: Great, I can't kick the enemies. But, at least I can kick the palm trees.

Lucy: Why give an attack that doesn't work? It's redundant at that point.

Maya: Hmm? Oh. I can jump! Let's try this.....

Little Red Hood: (tried jumping on someone, but gtes hit)

Maya: No. That doesn't work either! Hmmm...let's go in this store.....

Lucy: Oh, look at these. A potion, a...heart? And a slingshot. Hey, the slingshot might be your shot at an actual attack.

Maya: Okay. (buys a heart and a slingshot) Let's try this thing out!

Little Red Hood: (throws the sling shot, but the enemy respawns immediatly)

Maya: Aren you kidding me? I throw it?! That doesn't make even the least amount of sense!! (drinks Monster)

Lucy: I suppose if they put a gun in there she'd be throwing that too!!

Zelda: It doesn't matter anyway. After a few shots, it's gone. Just like that.

Maya: Well...guess I might as well just focus on getting out of here and collect cherries.

Lucy: Um...how do you get out?

Maya: Hmm? Let's try this staircase....

(they find a room with some gold, candy and enemies, but otherwise it's a dead end)

Maya: Nope.

Lucy: Okay, so this is limbo... Why make a game where all you got is limbo?

Maya: (constantly exploring the stage and after 5 minutes, she finds a key in the secret room) That's odd....that wasn't there before. Maybe I get this....(leaves)

Little Red Hood: (wanders around until a blinking staircase appears; goes in it and the next level starts)

Maya: Wh-what?! That's all I had to do?! Why does it only appear whenever it wants to then?!

Lucy: To make the game longer I suppose?

Maya: Well, I'm on Level 2 and--that's odd, it's out in the open this time....and I can't touch the Panda or else I die....perfect...

Lucy: The game is cheating...

Maya: (gets it after the afterhit invincibility) Great. Next level....

Little Red Hood: (tries to jump on turtles to get across a waterfall, but keeps dying)

Maya: UGH!! And here I thought Fantasia had bad jumping controls!

Little Red Hood: (finally gets across and gets the key)

Maya: Ugh, finally!

20 minutes later.....

Maya: Man, that water level was so easy....

Zelda: Well at least they were trying to do something different.

Lucy: Hope there are more of them!

Maya: Okay, now in level 7, and my god is this taking forever! This is such a broken down mess! Everything is so random it's giving me a headache!

Lucy: It's like your a lab rat...

"Welcome to World 8"

Maya: Now time to find that key.....

1 hour later.....

Maya: Okay....what am I doing? I have been playing this for an hour and I don't see a darn key! I'm doing what the game has been telling me to do, so where's that fucking key?!

Lucy: I don't know...

Zelda: R.O.B., analyze teh cartridge and find a way to beat this level.

R.O.B.: (scans the catrtridge and TV screen) Gaming data secured. Searching for solution to maze.....results: special requirements for World 8 are as follows: 1 Invincibility Potion, 3 Slingshots.

Maya:...........WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT MADE THEM THINK TO JUST CHANGE THE RULES RIGHT THERE?!?!?!?! JUST TO DO SOMETHING TO GE THROUGH THAT??!?!?!?! HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO GUESS THAT?!?!?!? WHAT KIND OF IDIOTS PROGRAMMED IT LIKE THIS?!??!??! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (rages around the condo, then gulps up her Monster)

Lucy: Now THAT, is some bullcrap. It's like a crappy science expirement. I'll finish this for her... -takes the controller, buys the items, and finishes the level which took about 15 minutes-

Maya: In fact, I don't even expect a good ending! With so much cryptic bullshit that no one would even think yto find the ending, I expect a terrible ass-licking shitheap of an ending!!

Lucy: -finishes the game-

Game: Oh! My dear little red hood! Thank you for your coming!

Lucy: -pauses, then drops the controller and shrugs-

Maya: (calmy drinks ehr Monster) You did not disappoint us.

Zelda: Nope. (drinks) So to sum it up, it sucks. Little Red Hood is one of teh rarest NES games and also one of the worst. The controls are terrible, the enemies are impossible to kill, and it makes no sense. Not like it's a surprise. It's based off of a damn fairytale. So...(takes the games out and throws Little Red Hood through the end of the closet) Yeah. Now I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

Maya: Ugh....hope the next game isn't as terrible as this.....

THE END

Episode 3: Action 52 (COMPLETED)
Zelda: There are quite a few games that have more than one game on them, mostly 5 at the most, and nearly all of them are unlicensed. Some are really just plug-and-play games.....which suck hard balls. Well I've got a few myself, so let's have a look-see....

Lucy: -looks through the library and pulls out a clear cartridge- ...Action 52?

Zelda: Hmm? Oh that.

Maya: WHy is it clear? It looks so weird....

Zelda: Yeah. Action 52 is a compilation of 52 NES games made in 1991, and an unlicensed one too. This is the misfit of the unlicensed cartridges. Some of teh games were in gold, black, grey, and blue. But this one is clear. It is kinda cool though...

Maya: How much was this thing?

Zelda: $199

Maya: Say what?!

Zelda: Well there's 52 games....

Lucy: Uhh... Depending on how great the games are...

R.O.B.: Calculating price of each game.... 200 / 52 = 3.846153

Zelda:......Ya. Let's just say $4 a game.

Lucy: Huh... That's pretty good I guess, again, depending on the games though...

Maya: Let's put it in...(puts Action 52 into the Retron 3)


 * "Lights....Camera....ACTION 52!!"

"WAMP WAMP WAAAAAAMP"

Lucy: Uhhh... Cliche much?



Girls: (shrug and press start)

"Make your selection now!"

Maya: Okay, let's start this thing.....

1. Firebreathers

Maya: Hmmm....I think this is a 2-player game. Lucy?

Lucy: Okay. -picks up the second controller-

3 minutes later....

Maya: (yawns) this is boring....next

2. Starevil

Maya: (gets hit by an obsticle right away) How was I supposed to dodge that?! It just came at me right at the start, giving me no time to react!

Lucy: That's a load of crap. You're just supposed to know, that it's a vertical 2-D space shooter, and there's a huge obsticle right at the start. What a load of crap...

Maya: But this is pretty easy.....but now I'm stuck....well next game

3. Illuminator

Maya: Huh? I can't see anything! Not even my own character! What kind of game is this?!

Lucy: A bad game...

Maya: And I can't go any higher....so I'm done with this...

4. G-Force

Maya: Space shooter? Didn't we already play this?

Zelda: Except it's horizontal.

Lucy: -sarcastically- Don't we love reruns of our favorite shows? This is it.

Maya: Okay, next....

5. Ooze

Maya: Wow....you jump with the B button? I thought you used A to jump?

Lucy: Um... For every other normal game yes. -sighs- Another Windows Vista expirience.

Maya: And these jumping controls are horrible! Well, next!

6. Silver Sword

Maya: This sword isn't really silver and there's so much green!

Lucy: Green, green, green, and did I mention green?

Maya: This is pathetic....

7. Critical Bypass

Maya: AAAAH MY EYES!!!! THEY HURT!!!!

Lucy: Uhh... I think it's critical, that we bypass this game.

8. Jupiter Scope

Maya: Another space shooter? And so easy....and too boring. NEXT!!

9. Alfredo

(the girls get a blank screen)

Maya:....What happened? Where's the game?

Zelda: There is no game. It crashed.

Maya:......Ugh! What a bunch of fuck. NEXT!!

10. Operation Full Moon

Maya: Ugh....that looks so disgusting, I wanna throw up!

Lucy: EW! That is so gross of a green! NEXT!!

11. Dam Busters

Zelda: At least it looks decent.....

Maya: Great, I'm at a dead end--wait, how come I can't go back?! So now I'm stuck?!

Lucy: Add that projectiles phaze through the walls, looks like you're in limbo until you get killed...

12. Thrusters

Maya: ANOTHER space shooter?! Okay, now I'm getting annoyed by this!

13. Haunted Hill

Maya: Whoa....I wish I had breasts that big....

Lucy: You're not alone...

Maya: These controls are as bad as Ooze and--I died by just touching the air?! HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!?!?!

Lucy: o_____o If you asked them I don't think they can answer you.

14. Chill Out

Maya: I wish I could chill out! These controls keep getting worse and I'm dying in mid-air AGAIN!!!

Lucy: Lovely, you hit the air so hard, that you die!

15. Sharks

Maya: Ugh....this is so boring.....gimme some sharks to kill!

Lucy: Honestly, it's boing to watch. Where, are the darn sharks?!

16. Megalonia

Maya: Another space shooter?! How many do we need?! UGH!!!

17. French Baker

Maya: Whoa!! Talk about a chaotic kitchen!

Lucy: Everything's trying to kill you!

Maya: UGH!! Dying in mid-air again!

18. Atmos Quake

Maya: SIX?!!? SIX SPACE SHOOTERS?!?!?! I'm getting sick of this shit!!

19. Meong

Maya: Okay....I ahve no idea what I'm doing....

20. Space Dreams

Lucy: Oh hey, what could this be? -game starts- Why of course, ANOTHER SPACE SHOOTER.

Maya: Ugh, SEVEN!!!! I'm getting sick of this shit! Can't they add some sort of variet--what's that enemy right there? Is....is that a safety pin?!

Zelda; (looks closer) Looks like it.

Maya:.........(calmly drinks) SAFETY PINS AS ENEMIES IN A FUCKING SHOOTING GAME?!?!!

Lucy: -calmly drinks- They must've been stoned, I swear.

21. Streemerz

Maya: Reminds me of Spider-Man....these money bags and rabbits do nothing so what's the--oh great it crashed!

Lucy: -sighs in relief- Alright, NEXT!

22. Spread Fire

Maya: UGH!!! EIGHT!!! I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS!!!!

23. Bubblegum Rosy

Maya: Well, something new at least......wait. How do I not die when I touch the spikes?

Lucy: Uhh... Doesn't seem like this game has any rules...

24. Micro Mike

Maya: WHOOAAAAA!!! Man! Too fast! Too fast!! TOO FAST!!!! D'OH!!!!

25. Underground

Maya:.....Okay. How do I get killed by mushrooms?!

Lucy: The only explanation I can come up with is poisonous, but even then that's only if you ingest them. You can fall from a great height and survive, but you get killed by touching mushrooms... What were they thinking?!

Maya: Next....

26. Rocket Jockey

Maya:......NINE, FUCKING, SPACE SHOOTERS?!?!??!??!??!?! HOW MANY DO YOU NEED?!?!?!?!?!? THAT'S IT!!! I'VE HAD IT!!!!!! (throws teh controller down in rage and starts massacring the whole place before panting and drinking up her Monster) I'm sorry, you girls take over, cuz I can't put myself through anymore of that shit!!

Lucy: It's okay Maya... -takes up the controller- So that's at least half of this thing's monetary value gone...

27. Non Human

Lucy: Fitting, nothing is "human". ...And those faces that take up half the screen are creeping me out... -keeps dying, being unable to jump over a hole- ...Really? Really. Really... -calmly drinks some Monster-

28. Cry Baby

Lucy: Oh, now the game is just facepalming at how bad we're doing, when it's the game's fault! -starts playing- Uhhh... Baby, adult, baby, adult...what is wrong here?

Zelda: I don't understand....

29. Slashers

Lucy: Such a misleading title. You'd think this'd be a horror game, but no. It's a really crappy beat 'em up that you have to kill everyone you see. You got no choice because the game stops you.

Maya: And one of the enemies is a green version of the boob chick from Haunted Hill.

Lucy: Yeah... Doesn't make sense...

30. Crazy Shuffle

Lucy: ...I can't see a darn thing! I need a freaking magnefying glass to see these things!

31. Fuzz Power

Lucy: ...Got that right. Big feet, big nose, and a crapload of fuzz. And I'm supposed to beat hairdryers and brushes? Really? -plays for a bit, but then gets hammered until the character is naked- ...This is a load of crap.

R.O.B.: CENSOR!! CENSOR!! CENSOR!!

Zelda & MayA: (AAAH MY GODD!! OH MAN THAT'S NASTY!!! WHAT IN THE--AAAUGH!!!!

Maya: (drinks)......I hate Action 52 so fuckin much!! (cries)

32. Shooting Gallery

Lucy: -playing for ten minutes- ...This is way too easy. No time limits, enemies don't disappear until they're shot, and I can't die. This will never end... At least I can get out by pausing the game with Start then hitting Select. -does so, but the game crashes- ...REALLY?! THE ONE GAME THAT DOESN'T END CRASHES WHEN YOU TRY TO QUIT!! -drinks some Monster-

Zelda: (resets the game)

33. Lollipop

Lucy: Umm... What an embarressing weapon...

Maya: You jump up a ladder? HUH?!?!

Lucy: What the heck?! Gaaaahh...!!! NEXT!!!

34. Evil Empire

Maya: Oh my god...so puny....

Lucy: Oh, some crazy things are happening over there, I wanna join in. -jumps and dies in mid-air- Ugh...

35. Sombreros

Lucy: Well... I guess this is befitting... Though only the main character has a sombrero on as far as I'm concerned...

Zelda: Not much to say about this one....next

36. Storm Over the Desert

Lucy: Oh wow, a title screen. -playing for a while- ...I can't die.

Maya: Can you at least try to kill people without cheating?

Lucy: I'm not doing anything! A tank crashes into me and that tank dies!

Zelda: Hey...is that....a giant Saddam Hussain?!

Lucy: How did they screw up the portportion this bad?! The soldiers aren't gigantic!

Maya: (yawns) This is boring...

37. Mash Man

Lucy: ...This is just a clone of Fuzz Power...

Maya: Well, at least there's no more space shooters....

38. They Came....

Zelda: You were saying?

Maya: TEN SPACE SHOOTERS?!?!?! SON OF A BITCH!!!!!! (angrily drinks)

Lucy: Really... -calmly drinks-

39. Lazer League

Lucy: By the way... Number eleven.

Maya: (screams so loud the windows break) WHY....SO....FUCKING...MANY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Lucy: I don't know... Maybe because they're the easiest to program? Make a black background, put dots on it and call it space.

Zelda: By the way, Maya, you owe me.......20,000 rings.

Maya: (looks around the damage she just did)....Oops.

40. Billy Bob

Lucy: Well...this looks tolerable.

Billy Bob: (falls and dies in mid-air on the second screen)

Zelda: You were saying?

Lucy: Oh, I should've learned. In Action 52, you cannot jump down. You'll hit the air so hard that you die!

Zelda: Second screen in the game, and it's a dead end

41. City of Doom

Lucy: Umm... Okay? I'm crawling up a building while the tenants throw crap at me. -after playing for a while- How tall is this building?! It must lead into space!

Maya: Lucy, please! Don't say space! I don't wanna hear a single thing about space!

42. Bits and Pieces

Lucy: Ooh, a monster game. ...But all I'm doing is jumping. An attack would be nice.

Maya: Or anything like a normal game!

43. Beeps and Blips

Lucy: Umm... A shape, shooting at other shapes... Reject sprites from other games?

44. Manchester

Maya:....I don't get this at all.

45. Boss

Lucy: Umm... Misleading title, and can't get past this bomb part. Go too early, bomb gets you. Go too late, the next one gets you.

46. Dedant

Maya: Wow....very clever...

Zelda: (sings the Pink Panther theme with the title)

Lucy: Oh, but I can only go left and right, which means if an ant gets down to where I am, I'm screwed! Next...

47. Hambo

Lucy: A jumping game...with crappy jumping controls...

48. Time Warp Tickers

Zelda & Maya: O___O W....T....F....?

Lucy: O_____________O THIS, MAKES NO SENSE...WHATSOEVER!!! -frantically drinks-

49. Jigsaw

Lucy: ...It crashed... Lovely, another delinquent game...

50. Ninja Assault

Lucy: Another beat 'em up...if I can call it that...

51. Robbie Robot

Lucy: Umm...that's no robot... -gets to the second level, and dies- ...SO IT GOES FROM IMPOSSIBLE TO LOSE TO IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT?!?! ARE YOU CRAPPING ME?!?! THIS GAME, IS CRAPPING ME!!!

Zelda: Well....there's one last game....the feature presentation of the cartridge....

52. Cheetahmen

Lucy: This actually has a story...a crappy one but still...

Maya: At least the music's actually good...and there's no space...

Lucy: Yeah...

Zelda: Well ya barely got through that level. Now it's real sidescrolling!

Lucy: Yeah. -finds out the jumping glitch- o_o Okay then...

Maya: So you're going to cheat, huh?

Lucy: Maya, this whole thing is a cheat.

Maya: (sees she died at the top of the screen and laughs) Serves you right!

Lucy: Yeah, when you fall you don't drop from the ceiling and live... But jumping from a great height kills you anyway.

Zelda: Okay, now you're a giant cheetah. So difficult now.

Lucy: Giant cheetah... You'd think this guy would be a juggernaut, but no, he's as easy to beat as paper!

Maya: Now you fell thro--huh?!

Lucy: Uhh...a 1-Up? And it takes me to the next level?

Maya:......(calmly drinks) Must....not....rage.....

Lucy: -plays til she encounters the Rino Man and gets OHKO'd- o_o Wow... -calmly drinks-

Zelda: Ouch!

Lucy: YA THINK?!

Zelda: And that's it...

Lucy: THIS SUCKS!! THE ONLY WAY TO BEAT THIS GAME IS TO CHEAT!! MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED, CHEETAHMEN!!

Maya: I......fucking....HATE THIS GAME!!!! THIS IS A FUCKING MESS!!! GAMES THAT CRASH AND GLITCH, HORRIBLE GRAPHICS, LACK OF VARIETY IN GAMES, GAMES THAT ARE TOO EASY, GAMES THAT ARE TOO HARD, AND TOO...MANY....SPACE SHOOTERS!!!!! FUCK THIS PIECE OF HORSESHIT!!!!! (angrily blasts the game away with a beam of light then finishes her Monster)

Lucy: GAAAAAAAHHH!!!! -finishes her Monster-

Zelda: there is a Sega Genesis version, but as you can see, we need to get that 8-bit mess out of our system....we will, however, do the one other game these assholes made......

Lucy: Oh, what's that?

Zelda: A sequel to Action 52....

Maya: (cringes) No....oh please no...

Zelda: (shows them a familiar cartridge)

Maya: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO BE CONCLUDED.....

Episode 4: Cheetahmen II (COMPLETED)
Maya: (crying on the couch) Whyyyyy......?

Lucy: -hugging Maya, but crying also-

Zelda: (sighs) Yes....there is a Cheetahmen II. However, like Little Red Hood, it is one of the most rare NES games, since it was never released and only 1500 of these things are known to exist. Active Enterprises--the company that made Action 52--was planning to release it and a "portable" system, but this thing wasn't released until several years later. How they were found, I don't know. Nor do I care.

Lucy: NO, NOT A SEQUEL TO THAT LOAD OF BULL CRAP!!!!

R.O.B.: (shows cartridge) Cheetahmen II cartridge presenting.

Lucy: NOOOO!!!! NOT A SECOND CHEETAHMEN!!! I'M NOT PLAYING THAT!!!

R.O.B.: (Turns the cartiridge over)

Maya: Huh? Th....that's the same plastic casing from Action 52!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

Lucy: REALLY?! IT MUST BE THAT BAD!!

Maya: Let's pop this thing in and find out...(puts it in the Retron 3)

Lucy: Oh no... >.<



Maya: I'll do it this time....oaky, so it's a bit better story this time. Alright first level, I'm Apollo, the shooting cheetah and the leader.

Zelda: How do you tell which is which?

Maya: I pay close attention.

Lucy: -hiding behind Zelda-

Maya: Wait......these graphics and music....they're the same from the last one! Were they even trying this time?!

Aries: (dead)

Maya: Well at least I have a health bar this time around.....and I die by jumping. FUN!!

Lucy: Wonderful...

Maya: Ugh! Too many enemies on the ground, and most of them are too short to hit! D'OH!! Dead!!

Zelda: You'd think they'd improve all the problems with teh first one, but no they made it worse. Enemies go through the ground, and what the fuck is that?! Looks like the game's taking an 8-bit shit!

Maya: Finally onto Level 2, and it's not getting any easier...

Lucy: That jumping glitch would work really well here...

Maya: Huh? I shoot tornados....and it gets destroyed in a single shot?.....who thought of this shit?!

Lucy: ...When we see a tornado, let's shoot it with an arrow. See what happens.

Maya: Well at least I'm doing good. BOOM!! Headshot! BOOM!! Headshot! BOOM!! Headshot!! AHAHAHA!!!

Lucy: Yeah...

Maya: (gets to the boss) Oh my god....this is so easy....

Lucy: Too easy... All he's doing is just running to the right.

Maya: Okay, Level 3 and now I'm Hercules, the big cheetah. The jumping glitch works....but I won't use it....

Lucy: -shrugs-

Maya: HAH!! HIYAA!!! Take this!! BAM!! POW!!! BOOSH!!! HIYAAA!!! Wow, this is actually very fu--Level 3!? I just beat Level 3!

Zelda: Well the first one had 2 level 3's as well.

Lucy: How can they make the same mistake twice?!

Maya: (shrugs while playing) Perhaps it was intentional....okay, now for the ape man....(starts trying to beat it up)

Lucy: ...Can this boss fight look any more suggestive?

Maya: UGH!!....where'd he go?

Ape Man: (doesn't return)

maya:....I ahte to cheat but.....

Hercules: (tires jumping up continuosly til half his bodt is at the bottom of the screen, but he doesn't die)

Maya: WHAAAT?! I CAN'T KILL MYSELF WHEN I WANT TO?! I'M STUCK?! (drinks) so now I have to reset the game to try again....(resets the game)

30 minutes later....

Maya: This time you aren't getting away! (beats the Ape Man's ass like a bawss) BOOYAH!!!!!

Hercules: (still stuck in limbo)

Maya: Ummmm.....WHAT?!?!?! So, is that it?!

Zelda: Guess so.

R.O.B.: Negative.

Lucy: Huh? There's more?

R.O.B.: Affirmative. If player beats Lever 3B, they are sttuck in limbo. However, if certain conditions are met, game will start up in final levels, to complete Levels 3C and 3D.

Maya: Wait....they're also called Level 3?!

R.O.B.: Constantly turn power on & off, and the game will begin on missing levels

Maya: (does just that)

R.O.B.: Incorrect order. Try again.

Maya: (does so)

R.O.B.: Incorrect order. Try again.

Maya: (groans)

45 Minutes later.....

R.O.B.: Again!....Again!.....Again!......Sequence complete. You may now play Level 3C and Level 3D.

Maya: FINALLY!!!

Zelda: Yeah, so as R.O.B. said, there are actually 4 Level 3's. Why I ahve no idea....

Lucy: That's a load of crap...

Maya: These levels look like the same as the original Cheetahmen.....well I'm playing as the last cheetah, Aries. He's the martial arts guy and just beating everyone up in glitch land....

Lucy: Lovely...

Maya: This game isn't too bad, but it's glicthed up. I think Cheetahmen would have been a great franchise had it not been for the bad games.....okay, on the last level...

Lucy: Another easy boss I assume?

Maya: Yep! HUH!! NGH!! NGH!! YEAH!! I WIN!!! (high-fives her sisters)

Lucy: YEAH! -high-fives her-

Zelda: (high-fives)

Maya:.......(notices she's still in limbo) Huh?

R.O.B.: Game completed. You are stuck.

Maya: Wait....that's it?

R.O.B.: Affirimative.

Maya: (calmly drinks) Well...at least I beat the game. All I have to say is if Action 52 wasn't such a flop, Cheetahmen would be a great rival to the Ninja Turtles.

Lucy: Maybe....

Zelda: But before we leave, there's one last thing: the unreleased Action Gamemaster. It was supposed to be Active Enterprises' portable system, it would have played NES, SNES, Genesis games, CD's, and have it's own game in Cheetahmen III. Now we do have a poster of it, so let's take a look. R.O.B., fax it.

R.O.B.: (eyes do this sonicwave thing to a fax machine and shows a poster of the Action Gamemaster)



Zelda: (takes it and looks) O____O (shows her sisters the poster)

Maya: What..the fuck?

Lucy: Um... Can you even play that bulky think in your house?! Let alone trying to go somewhere with that huge thing!

Zelda: Does this thing look portable to you?!

Maya: Not to me...

Lucy: That small screen would cause so much eye strain...

Zelda: 3.2 inch LCD display?! How would anyone be able to see a screen that small?! And it would feel even bulkier than the Atari Lynx. And considering all the features this thing would do, not only would it feel heavy, but I can't imagine how many batteries it would take and how fast they would be drained.

Maya: It's no wonder why Active was such a fail. Who would really want to play this piece of fuck?!

Zelda: Not me! I'd rather play the Virtual Boy!

Lucy: And the Virtual Boy's pretty much unplayable to take on the go!

Zelda: Hmmm.....

THE END

Episode 5: Virtual Boy (COMPLETED)
Zelda: It was now 1995. In video gaming, consumers were anxiously awaiting some of the latest consoles that were sure to blow everyone's minds: The Sega Saturn, the Nintendo 64, and the Sony Playstation. But during the N64's ongoing delay, Nintendo unvealed the Virtual Boy--originally known as VR32--to fill the time and continue its successful line of portable handheld gaming systems. It would have helped simulate the idea of virtual reality. It seemed like an awesome concept, but instead, it turned out to be one of--if not the--worst consoles of all time.....

Maya: (holding the Virtual Boy) Oh man...where do we even begin with this....?

R.O.B.: (refusing to look anywhere near the system)

Lucy: Looks like bulky goggles...

Zelda: We talked about how awkward and uncomfortable it would have been for the Action GameMaster. But Nintendo did it with this thing. There's no headstrap, and it would be extremely difficult to find a confortable place to play this thing.

Maya: Not only that, but this thing causes headeaches, seizures, and eye strain as well. Talk about unsuitable gaming!

Lucy: That's a load of crap!

Zelda: Well let's just look at them....so, who's brave enough?

Lucy: -sighs- I'll do this... -takes up the controller and looks into the console-

Zelda: R.O.B., projector mode.

R.O.B.: Negative.

Zelda: R.O.B!

R.O.B.: I refuse to waste energy on a piece of crap like this.

Zelda: Well your games weren't any better!

R.O.B.: Silence! (shoots lasers at them, but barely misses)

Zelda: Projector mode or I'm not reviewing your games....EVER!!

R.O.B.:....Affirmative...(projects the Virtual Boy screen so Zelda and Maya can see it)

Zelda: Thank you. Now then, let's start with Mario's Tennis. (puts it in)

Lucy: Eww! Red and black! -tries playing it-



Zelda: Yeah, that was a bit of a letdown. The original Game Boy was in black and white, but the Virtual Boy was supposed to be cutting edge, so everyone expected it to be in color. But no...life isn't fair.

Maya; This looks like an okay game, but....this doesn't exactly feel like Virtual Reality too much.

Lucy: Yeah... I'd rather play this on the Super Nintendo...

Zelda: Still, it's an okay game....okay, what's next?

Maya: How about....Galactic Pinball?

Zelda: (puts it in)

Lucy: I feel like I'm taking an eye exam!



Zelda: Yeah, it's kinda hard to look at even looking at the projector.....

Maya: Just seems like any ordinary pinball game.

Zelda: Honestly, if I ever wanted to play pinball, I'd just go to the arcade. Never really understood the point of putting pinball onto a home console.

Lucy: --trying to hit the ball harder by hitting the buttons harder- At least the arcade lets you hit the ball harder!

Maya: Well...if you play this long enough and go blind, at least you can become the pinball wizard.

Zelda; I...don't think Lucy has the patience for it..

Lucy: No thanks! Next!!

Zelda: Okay, let's try Red Alarm. (puts it in)

Maya: All these games are red, so what's the point?

Zelda: This game is one of the best Virtual Boy Games, so...

Lucy: BEST?! All there is is wire frames!!

Zelda: Yeah, it is kinda hard to figure out where to go....you can also choose the POV camera angle.

Lucy: -selects it- Because this is supposed to be VIRTUAL REALITY.

Zelda: There's only one other game that has this feature...wanna try it out?

Lucy: -rams into a "wall"- ...Sure.

Zelda: Okay, it's Teleroboxer (puts it in)

Maya: Wow! This looks cool! And it's first-person!

Lucy: Oh hey! I can use both D-Pads!

Maya: Now this is more like virtual reality! Go get him sis!

Lucy: -makes short work of her opponent- YEAH!

Zelda: Okay, next is Virtual League Baseball. (puts it in)

Maya: Man....are those fielders small or what?

Lucy: It's like trying to play Evil Empire on Action 52!

Maya: Doesn't quite feel like Virtual Reality to me....next!

Zelda: Okay, next is Mario Clash. (puts it in)

Maya: Well, this one has to be at least half-decent.

Zelda: (awkward silence)

Maya:.....Oh brother.

Lucy: Umm... Not really?

Zelda: Yeah....it's just a remake of the original Mario Bros. arcade game. That...is just pathetic.

Lucy: This doesn't need to be here...

Zelda: Another thing to note is that they swapped the buttons: A throws shells and B jumps. How do you fuck up the controls for a Mario game?

Lucy: Oh, I kinda forgot... After playing Action 52 so much, I forgot that the standard was that A is jump...

Zelda: This game goes on for 99 levels, so it's the longest Virtual Boy game. But since it causes eye strain, it shouldn't be finished in one sitting.

Lucy: Yeah... No thanks, get me outta here.

Zelda: Okay, this one's a great one and very rare. AIt's called Jack Bros. (puts it in)

Maya: Awww, they look so cute!

Zelda: The plot is that you play as one of the Jack Bros. and have to reach your home before the time runs out or you'll disappear forever.

Lucy: Uh, okay... Nothing that the Super Nintendo couldn't handle...

Maya: Wow....this game's pretty short....but it looks alright....still, doesn't feel like Virtual Reality...

Lucy: Another game that shouldn't be here... It should be a SNES game...

Zelda: Okay, next is Golf...yeah, just Golf. (puts it in)

Maya:......What's golf?

Zelda: Watch and find out.

Lucy: Wow... This is boring...

Maya: Is this supposed to be red?

Zelda: No. It's really nausiating to look at.

Lucy: I'm done with this game... I don't think I can take much more of it.

Zelda: Okay, next is Wario Land, arguably the best game on the Virtual Boy. (puts it in)



Lucy: -starts playing- ...This is a good game, but it'd be much better on SNES.

Maya: This guy is so Fat.....

Zelda: Meh....we're almost done with this...

Lucy: Most of these games are better off on the Super Nintendo.

Zelda: Okay, next is Panic Bomber...(puts it in)

Maya: What? A puzzle game? This isn't virtual at all!

Zelda: But it's good anyway....Lucy?

Lucy: This, should be on the Game Boy...

Maya: And aren't puzzle games most fun with friends?

Zelda: Well an extension cord was planned to hook up two Virtual Boy's, but the thing was of much of a failure, it was retired before Nintendo could release one....okay, four more left, let's get 'em over with....

Lucy: Yes, please!

Zelda: Next is Vertical Force....(puts it in)

Maya: Oh no! No no no no NOOO!!!! SPACE!!! SHOOTER!!! NOT MORE OF THIS SHIT!!!! I HATE THIS SHIT!! I HATE SPACE SHOOTERS!!! THEY'RE STUPID, THEY'RE BORING, THEY DRIVE ME INSANE!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (goes apeshit insane and smashes her face into a TV)

Zelda: Yeah. I knew you'd like that sis.

Lucy: UGH! ANOTHER space shooter?! I swear, this is Action 52 all over again!!

Zelda: Well, the only 3D aspect is the plane can move between altitudes.

Lucy: Another game that's better of on the Super Nintendo, or if it can't handle it, the Nintendo 64.

Maya: Ugh, is it over....?

Zelda: A couple more, Nester's Funky Bowling. (puts it in)

Maya: Who's Nester?

Zelda: A character from Nintendo Power comics.....yeah, it's kinda stupid.

Lucy: Very... Nothing virtual reality about this...

Maya: He's cute though.....

Zelda & Lucy: (look at her oddly)

Maya:.....What?

Zelda: (sighs) Well, next up is 3D Tetris...(puts it in)



Lucy: Okay, I like the better attempt at the 3-D...

Zelda: I don't, it looks way too awkward and confusing. And it feels disorienting....

Maya: It doesn't look too impressive either...

Lucy: -sighs-

Zelda: But now....I saved the very worst for last....the only movie-based game on this thing, and perhaps the worst possible candidate for this....Waterworld! (puts it in)

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUNN!!!!!!!!

Lucy: Oh...my...gawd... This, is teribad...

Zelda: It looks like shit, doesn't it R.O.B.?

R.O.B.: (plays clip of Dennis Hopper from the movie) It does look like shit.

Lucy: Yeah...

Zelda: Well that's it. , R.O.B., turn projector mode off. I think you and Lucy have suffered enough.

R.O.B.: (stop projjecting the Virtual Boy screen) I swear to terminate you for this!

Zelda: (giggles)

Lucy: UGH! -pulls away from the console and drops the controller, then hugs Maya- MY EYES!!

Maya: (cuddles with her) I feel your pain sister,....but the games weren't too bad....

Zelda; True, but they're just games you can just as easily play on a Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis. While they did try to take advantage of some 3D aspects, they made no attempt to try virtual reality. Only 22 games in total were ever released for the system; 19 in Japan, 14 in North America, and this thing didn't even last a full year!

Lucy: That punching game made an attempt though, at least with that game you can use both D-pads to control each arm, one to block and one to punch...

Zelda: Yeah, one game! ONE GAME!!!

Maya: You know....I'm going to go back to the past now....(walks to the NES closet)

Zelda:....Lucy?

Lucy: ...Yeah?

Zelda: Let's play some NES classics! You in?

Lucy: Sure! -hugs Zelda-

Zelda: (hugs abck)

THE END

Episode 6: NES Black Box Games
Zelda: Okay, time to go back to basics. We're gonna play the 30 Black Box NES games. (takes out 30 black NES boxes with cartridges in them)

Lucy: Okay.. Hope we're not gonna have another Action 52 expirience...

Zelda: Oh no, it's a variety. These games are broken up into 7 different genres: Action, Arcade, Educational, Light Gun, Programmable, Robot, and Sports. And if you haven't guessed already, they were released in some cool black boxes. Some of them were good, some of them were bad, and some were....okay.

Maya: Well, let's try 'em out in alphabetical order! They can't be too bad!

Lucy: Okay.

Zelda: First up is 10-Yard Fight. (puts it in)

Maya: Oh! It's a football game.

Zelda; Even though it's listed under sports, this is actually an arcade port on NES. Although most Balck Box games are arcade ports nonetheless

Lucy: Lovely.

Zelda: Okay, you have to get to ythe end zone to score a touchdown. There are no plays, you just hike the ball and you just run or pass. The NES version does good job in using both the offense and defense.

Maya: This looks so much fun! Even better than that Madden thing!

Lucy: Yeah!

Zelda; C'mon....TOUCHDOWN!!! (high-fives her sisters)

Lucy: -high-fives Zelda- YAY!

Zelda: Next up is Balloon Fight. (puts it in)

Maya: That looks dangerous....

Lucy: Looks like fun!

Zelda: The gameplay is similar to the arcade game, Joust, but instead of playing as an ostrich, you're a guy flying up and down with balloons. The object is the knock out all the other Balloon Fighters. You do that by trying to knock their balloons off and then the parachute. And if they land on the ground, hit 'em while they're pumping their balloon.

Maya: (looks really confused and really lost)

Lucy: Huh...

Zelda: Yeah, it may sound complicated at first, but once you get the hang of it, it's awesome! But you gotta watch out for the lightning bolts and other Balloon Fighters trying to knock you down....

Balloon Fighter: (knocked into the water)

Zelda: Like that, see?

Lucy: Yeah...

Zelda: In Balloon Trip mode, you have to get as far as possible and collect balloons for bonus points while avoiding all these thunderbolts. You get hit once, you lose. It's kind of silly, but Balloon Fight is still a classic in its own right.

Lucy: Seems like a classic...

Zelda: Okay, next is Baseball. That's it, just Baseball. (puts it in)

Lucy: Ooh...sounds kinda boring...

Zelda: The only teams ya get are A, C, D, P, R, Y....huh?

Maya: I know in baseball, the team logos are normally depicted by letters, but is that the best they could come up with?

Zelda: The players all look, field, and run the same. And they move so slow. Ugh, this is getting boring....

Maya: And apparently, you can't even control the fielders, only which base they throw it to.

Lucy: Ugh...

Zelda: This game has not aged well, considering you can just as easily play better baseball games on the system, like Baseball Stars, the Bases Loaded series, hell even Base Wars. And that's sad, because I thought Base Wars was fucking stupid!

Lucy: Ew. Just...just ew.

Zelda: Okay, what's next? Oh...Clu Clu Land. (puts it in)

Maya: Uhhh....

Zelda: The object is to go around the board and uncover these Zelda-looking rubies which will form a shape. Honestly, there's not much to say.

Lucy: Uhh...okay...

Maya: This is totally weird....

Zelda: Totally agree with ya sis, not bad....but weird...

Lucy: Very...

Zelda; Now onto the Donkey Kong games. First off is the original arcade game (puts it in)

Lucy: Huh...what do we do for this one?

Zelda; You play as Mario in his debut game, then known as Jumpman, and have to dodge all the obstacles thrown by Donkey Kong to get to the top and rescue the girl.

Mario: (gets smashed by barrel)

Zelda: Aah, fuck!

Maya: Guess easier said than done.

Lucy: Guess so.

Zelda: Damn right! This game is one of the hardest arcade games ever made! NGH!! SHITT!!

Lucy: Arcade game? o.e

Zelda: Yeah. Okay, the last level, you have to jump or run over these yellow things to bring the structure down and send DK falling smack down on his head.

Maya: Sounds kinda weak...

Lucy: -shrugs- It is kinda funny.

Donkey Kong: (falls down and lands flat on his head)

Zelda: Yeah, that had to hurt....

Mario & Pauline: (embrace)

Maya: Awwww.

Lucy: Awww...

Zelda: Next up is Donkey Kong Jr., again originally in the arcades. But like most Black Box games, that's sort of a standard. (puts it in)

Maya: Hmm...this is very different....now we're playing as Donkey Kong Jr, climbing up vines to save Donkey Kong from....Mario?

Zelda: Yeah. Why Mario would even want to be a douche and capture Donkey Kong, I have no bloody idea....

Lucy: Weird... Revenge?

Zelda: Well anyway, as Maya started, you have to climb up vines in order to get up to rescue Donkey Kong...DAH!!! Oh, and it's still hard. But thankfully not as hard as the original Donkey Kong.

Lucy: Ah...

Zelda: Much like the original Donkey Kong, the final level here is unique. Here you have to drag the keys up the slots at the top to make the structure come down.

Maya: Again...very weak.

Lucy: Ugh...any originality?

Zelda: Just watch.....

Mario & Donkey Kong: (fall down the structure)

DK Jr: (lifts DK over his head with his arms)

Maya: WHOAA MY GOODNESS!! How did he do that?

Mario: (on his back with a halo above him)

Lucy: Uhh... Donkey Kong Jr. killed Mario?

Zelda: Uhhh.....well, let's move onto the last of the arcade trilogy. Donkey Kong 3. (puts it in)

Maya: Uhhh...what?

Zelda: Yeah. Basically, you're a flourist named Stanley trying to defend your greenhouse form Donkey Kong and these stupid bees. If DK moves all the way to the bottom or if all your plants are gone, you lose.

Maya: So, you use pesticide spray on DK to keep him away....I really don't understand this at all.

Lucy: I don't either...

Zelda: You can only shoot upwards so the bugs can go around you....it's so pathetic, it's an absolute disgrace to the NES. So much so that after this game, Stanley just disappeared from Nintendo. All I can is good fucking ridiance!

Lucy: I know, right?

Zelda: Alright, one last DK game. Donkey Kong Jr. Math (puts it in)

Maya: Oh crud. An educational game.

Zelda: And a bad, confusing, and boring one at that.

Lucy: Ugh...

Zelda: Okay, I'm getting tired of this. If I wanted to be educated, I'd go to school, not play on my NES! So to hell with this. (throws the cartridge off-screen) Next up is DuckHunt, one of the original launchtitles on the NES. (puts it in)

Lucy: So this is a gun game...?

Zelda: It's a Light Gun game. You basically shoot ducks. it's a true classic and pretty fun. But it has one fatal flaw that nearly kills it.

Maya: What?

Zelda: (misses a duck)

Dog: (laughs at her)

Zelda: That! Stupid! Fucking! Dog!

Lucy: It's laughing! It's laughing at you!! KILL EET!

Zelda; Ya can't, and that;s why I hate it so much!

10 minutes later....

Dog: (keeps laughing when she misses)

Zelda:........ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!!! (strange light energy builds up in her hands and through the Zapper)

Dog: (still laughing)

Zelda: (shoots at it and blows it's head off)......(blows the tip) Phew. Thank god....

Maya: O_O

Lucy: Uhh... Did you damage the TV doing that...?

Zelda: I don't care if I did, I can't stand that mut!!......(drinks) Alright, what's next? Oh, Excitebike! This'll be exciting!

Lucy: Ohhh...hahahaha...so funny...

Maya: Racing on dirt? I...don't really see the point....

Zelda: There are two different modes: Time Trial and Race. In both modes, you are in a race against the clock. It is a very fun racing game, but it's also pretty challenging.

Lucy: Well, that's good... Fun but challenging...

Zelda: There's also a design-a-track feature, but you can't save them since Excitebike doesn't have the Battery Back-Up

Maya: Well then what's the point of having a create a track mode if you can't even save your created tracks?

Zelda: I haven't the slightest idea. But it's still a great game nonetheless.

Lucy: Well, you at least have the option for it, Maya. I guess that's what counts...

Zelda: Next up is Golf, yeah just Golf...ugh. (puts it in)

Lucy: Ugh... Last time I saw Golf was in red and black...

Zelda: Well....it's pretty boring, dull, controls are bad, and it doesn't tell you how hard you should hit the ball and with which club. This is an absolutely horrible NES Sports game and I'd have more fun watching golf on TV. That's saying something right there.

Lucy: Great... At least there's no RED! GAH!

Zelda: Well how do you wash the taste of one shitty game? With another: Gumshoe! And boy is this a big pile of crap! (puts it in)

Maya: Ummm....doesn't "gumshoe" mean detective or something?

Lucy: Uhh...I wouldn't know...

Maya: Well that doesn't even look like a detective.

Zelda: Well, your "gumshoe" has to go around the levels to rescue his daughter. Now you use the Zapper in the traditional way of shooting obsticles. But you also use it....to make you character jump!

Lucy: Uh... Weird...

Maya: Huh...?

Zelda: Yeah, if ya want a short ride to the top of the Empire State Building, just shoot yourself a hundred times.

Gumshoe: (gets killed)'

Zelda: Ugh! This fucking thing hardly even works! You can shoot all you want, but it is impossible to pass teh first level of this game! I hate it so fucking much! UGH!!!!

Lucy: -sarcastically- You know you're playing an awesome game when you can't beat the first level when you're trying as hard as you can...

Zelda: Next is the other launch title of the NES; Gyromite. (puts it in)



Lucy: Gyromite huh...?

Maya: Why is it called "Robot Gyro" on the title screen?

Zelda: Because this is one of two games where R.O.B. can be used! But we need the gyro stuff first....

Lucy: Huuh? R.O.B. can actually be used on games? I don't know...

R.O.B.: I am R.O.B.: Robotic Operating Buddy, Accessory for Nintendo Entertainment System. Games Compatible: Gyromite, Stack-Up. Gyromite pieces required to operate.

Lucy: So...uh...where are the Gyromite pieces...?

R.O.B.: Closet. Top shelf.

Lucy: -goes into the closet to the top shelf, and starts rummaging around- What the heck am I looking for?! Stuff that says "NES" or "ROB"?

Maya: I see it. It's to the right.

Lucy: -pulls out a weird contraption with a red and blue "button"- ...This thing?

R.O.B.: Affirmative. But you are missing the Gyros and spinner.

Lucy: Where are they then?!

R.O.B.: Top shelf. Left side.

Lucy: -pulls out a container with a spinner and tops in it- ...These?

R.O.B.: Affirmative.

Lucy: -sarcastically- Do you need a Flux Capacitor with that?

R.O.B.: Negative. But I need the spinner.

Maya: Got it!

5 minutes later.....

Maya: R.O.B., mind me asking why do you need all of this stuff?

R.O.B.: Insufficient data. Ask Nintendo that one.

Lucy: Wow... Might be good if you're just playing by yourself, but probably better with another person if it's possible...

Zelda: Well, Gyromite can be played without R.O.B., but you need two controllers. Pressing the start button allows R.O.B. to follow certain commands. (presses start)

(the screen flashes blue and R.O.B.'s eyes flash a bit)

Maya: Creepy...

Lucy: Yeah...

Zelda: The A button activates the blue pillars, and the B button activates the red pillars. It's a pretty fun game, where Professor Hector has to deactivate some dynamite bombs before the time runs out. It has a nice upbeat music. You don't jump or attack. The enemies are called Smicks and can only be avoided by ether smashing them with the pillars, or by feeding them food throughout the area.

Lucy: Uhh... Okay...

R.O.B.: (for the mostpart, acts very well)

Zelda: But yeah, pretty good. Next is Hogan's Alley. (puts it in)

Maya: Looks like an old-school FPS.

Zelda: That's because it is and old-school FPS.

Lucy: Wow...okay...

Zelda; Basically you shoot the gang members and try to refrain from shooting the innocent bystanders. And if ya missed me playing Duckhunt.....you don't fuck with me when I'm using Light Guns!

Lucy: -raises her hands in surrender- We know that, we KNOW that!

Zelda: (shoots lots of gang members) Chuck Norris ain't got nothin' on me!

Lucy: That's debatable, but not gonna argue...

Zelda: Next up is Ice Climber! (puts it in)

Maya: Those climbers look awfully familiar....

Lucy: Kinda...

Zelda: That's because the Ice Climbers--Popo and Nana--would go on to reappear in the Super Smash Bros. games. Anyway, the object is to make it ti the top of the mountain by smashing small blocks, and hitting enemies. What's cool about this game is you can choose which level you wanna start from.

Lucy: But I'm sure you still have to play them all, right?

Zelda: Pretty much. There is some sort of challenge. If you make it to the top, there's this sort of bonus stage where you collect several veggies and then grab onto a pteradactyl. Ice Climber is a fun game, but it's fairly forgettable.

Lucy: Huh... Well I can see why, the title is pretty basic...

Zelda: Okay, half-way through the Black Box games. Next is the arcade classic Kung-Fu Master, or just Kung-Fu. (put it in)

Lucy: Uhh... Kung-Fu... Fighter game, that's all I get out fo it...

Zelda: Actually it's a beat-em-up game and the first one too. It helped pave the way for other games of its kind, such as Final Fight, Double Dragon, Battletoads, and Streets of Rage. You play as Tommy, a Kung-Fu Master who has to rescue his girlfriend Sylvia from some punks. You have many attacks that help you out.

Lucy: Well, I guess it's good, for being the first...

Zelda: But Mr. X, the final boss, is where I totally lose it. He is a kung-fu master, he blocks my attacks, regains his health, and will kick your ass!

Mr. X: (beats Tommy)

Zelda: Just like that!

Maya: Ouch....

Lucy: Umm...unfair boss? LIKE THE RINO MAN?! ANYONE?!

Zelda: Okay, you're getting it now.....

5 minutes later....

Zelda:....YES!! GOT YO ASS!!!!

Lucy: Yay! Go Zelda!

Zelda: Next up is Mach Rider, a sort of F-Zero prequel thing....(puts it in)

Maya: So you're on another bike, shooting dune buggies....

Lucy: Lovely...

Zelda: You have to avoid crashing into enemies and oil drums and shoot everything ya see.

Maya: So it's like a Michael Bay film?

Zelda:......Yeah. Let's go with that....you do have a rearview mirror, but it's still hard to figure out where they're gonna go. And the action is so fasta nd intense, it's like blast-processing!

Lucy: Okay then... This is going over my head.

Zelda: You can also create your own course but like Excitebike, you can't save them!

Maya: Well what's the point?!

Lucy: Well, at least you can make them....

Maya: Meh, I guess....okay, what's next?

Zelda: Next is another arcade classic: Mario Bros. (puts it in)

Lucy: A Mario game!

Zelda: Yup. The first time for Mario to shine as his own star, as well a the introduction to his brother Luigi, but only seen through 2-player mode. The object is to rid the sewers of a bunch of critters. You do this by punching the floor up and then going up to kick them. Except the crabs, you need two punches before you can kick 'em.

Maya: Wow....sounds simple, but looks fun

Lucy: Yeah!

Zelda: It's a very enjoyable game and a great arcade gem.

Maya: Okay, next up....

Zelda: Ugh, Pinball. Not a big fan of Pinball games on home consoles, but let's give it a whirl....(puts it in)



Lucy: -covers her eyes- TOO. MUCH. RED! LAST TIME I SAW PINBALL IT WAS ON THAT PIECE OF CRAP FOR RED GOGGLES!

Zelda: Relax, this is nowhere like Galactic Pinball. For one thing, it's actually fun and addicting. This is a notable exception when it comes to pinball on consoles.

Lucy: Oh...

Zelda: There's also a bonus stage where Mario is using some sort of breakout thing to rescue Pauline and try catching her.

Maya: I...fail to see the point...

Lucy: Variety?

Zelda: Okay, while we're on the subject of arcades, here comes Popeye! (puts it in)

Maya: Oh, I love that show! And from what I understand, many Japanese have said that this was their first Famicom game.

Lucy: Huh...

Zelda: The object is to collect many different objects dropped by Olive Oyl while avoiding Brutus. In the first level, it's hearts, second level it's notes, and third level it's letters that spell "Help Me".

Maya: Hey look, the spinach!

Zelda: Limited invinicbility. Okay, here we go...

Popeye: (eats teh spinach and punches Brutus down to the bottom)

Maya: BAM!! (does a Popeye laugh)

Lucy: -laughs- That's funny Maya.

Zelda; The last level is pretty difficult. You have to grab letters that spell "Help", which will make pieces of a ladder to appear. Once the ladder's done, you've beaten the game.

Maya: What's so difficult about that?

Zelda: First off, you have to collect so many letters and it's one step at a time. Not to mention, you have to deal with not just Brutus but also this vulture which has taken Olive Oyl.

Popeye: (killed by the vulture inbetween teh eyes)

Zelda: UGH!! Stupid bird!

Lucy: Ouch...

Zelda: Okay, that's it!

Popeye: (grabs the spinach and beats up both enemies)

Zelda: Yeah!

Maya: (laughs like Popeye)

Lucy: -laughs-

Zelda: So yeah, a great game. Okay, next is Pro Wrestling, and it's 10 times better than wrestling today! (puts it in)

Maya: Hmm....Fighter Hayabusa, Star Man, Kin Corn Karn, Giant Panther, The Amazon, and King Slender...intresting.

Lucy: A fighter game...?

Zelda: Wrestling game. Notice the attention to detail done. There's the moving ref, the announcers, the crowd, the cool moves, and even a cameraman outside the ring.

Maya: Wow.....Star Man's the coolest!

Lucy: I know, right?

Zelda; It's a great NES sports game and arguably one of the best. Definately better than the LJN wrestling games.

Lucy: I have a feeling LJN is bad news...

Zelda: Oh, we'll get to them sometime, sis! But in teh meantime, let's go to Slalom. (put it in)

Lucy: Uhh...skiing?

Zelda: Yup. Like Excitebike, it's a race against the time limit. You go down the hills, avoiding the other skiiers and the trees. It's fun, yet monotinous.

Lucy: Oh...

Zelda: In later levels, you have to also face snowmen and....kids on sleds?!

Maya: What kind of ski resort is this?! Do these kids actually want to get killed?!

Lucy: What the heck?!

Zelda: Ugh...next! Okay, we got Soccer. (puts it in)

Lucy: Soccer...just soccer?

Zelda: Yeah. Just soccer. Well you control okay. But the game at times just feels a bit too easy.

Maya: Wow.....10 goals already and it's only the first half?

Lucy: Empty net, much?

Zelda: Alright, next is Stack-Up. (puts it in)

Maya: "Robot Block?" Let me guess, we use R.O.B. for this one too.

Zelda: Yup. First we need the stands and 5 colored blocks.

Lucy: Maya, you're looking for them. I went after R.O.B.'s Gyromite crap.

Maya: Okay. (searchs through the closet and finds some strange pieces) You mean these things?

R.O.B.: Affirmative. Place on five front parts.

Maya: (begins doing so) Okay, you're all set Zel--

R.O.B.: ERROR! ERROR!!

Maya; What now?

R.O.B.: You forgot 5 colored blocks.

Maya: (groans and goes back to the closet)

Lucy: -sighs-

Maya: (gets out some strange colored blockd and puts one on each tray)



Lucy: Ugh... Just get this started already...

Zelda: Okay, you press on certain blocks to make commands for R.O.B. You get these commands by doing 5 in a row either vertically or horizontally. But these stupid troll-things, whatever they are. They can screw up the pattern, foricng R.O.B. to do the wrong command.

R.O.B.: I hate those things. (forced to drop somehwere he didn't want to) Fuck those things....

Lucy: But you're not a normal R.O.B. machine, R.O.B., can't you override the wrong command?

R.O.B.: Affirmative.....(begins to do better)

Zelda: But Stack-Up...no matter how many times I play this...I just don't get it....

Lucy: I don't get this either...

Zelda: Alright, time for something I'm sure everyone has heard of: Super Mario Bros.! (puts it in)

Lucy: Yay! A good game!

Zelda: Good?! GOOD?! This game is an absolute classic and one of the best! What do I need to say that hasn't been said already? It's got great secrets, enemies, music, it's just absolutely fucking awesome! It is the top-selling video game of all time and like I said, one of the best!

Lucy: And don't forget the most memorable.

Zelda: Well, we got five more games left. So, let's head for Tennis. (puts it in)



Maya: Okay, why do the players move so fast?

Lucy: It's like Micro Mike from Action 52!

Zelda: Ugh, this takes forever, and it's hard to even whack the ball when you're moving as fast as Lucy's dad! UGH, ASS!!!

Lucy: Lovely... Speed isn't everything...

Zelda: Now we're onto one of the first fighting games: Urban Champion. (puts it in)

Maya: Wait....no character select screen? You just play as two generic fighters?....That's just stupid!

Zelda: Oh, that's just the nitpicks, sis!

Lucy: -giggles-

Zelda: The object of the game isn't to knock your opponent out but to kncok him down an open manhole.

Maya: Awha--?

Zelda: yeah....now in this game, you only get two moves: a light punch and a heavy punch. That's it. No jumping, no kicking, no special moves. All ya get is a glorified boxing match, but if boxing were boring as fuck. This is quite possibly the worst fighting fighting game ever made.

R.O.B.: Shaq-Fu.

Zelda:...okay the second worst.

R.O.B.: Kasumi Ninja.

Zelda: Alright, third worst

R.O.B.: Full House Tournament Fighter

Zelda: Alright, fourth-worst....

R.O.B.: Super Smash Bros. Bra--

Zelda: ALRIGHT, I GET THE POINT!!! (sighs) Anyway, just three games left, so let's get 'em over with. Next up is Volleyball. (puts it in)

Lucy: Umm...just volleyball?

Zelda: You only control the US team, which really sucks.

Maya: Uhhh...is he....humping the ball?!....he is! That player is humping the ball!

Lucy: Eww! And I thought Cheetamen II was bad on the suggestive images!

Zelda: The controls feel stiff and it's hard to tell where to go. But at least the players don't move as fast. But even so, these volleys go on forever....

Lucy: Boring, much?

Zelda: Very....ugh, why does it take so long to score a damn point?!

Lucy: Okay, I'm ready to sleep, next!

Zelda: Next up is Wild Gunman, another light gun game. (puts it in)

Maya: This looks like the type of game Jesse would enjoy...

Lucy: Yay, cowboys....

Bandit: (walking along the screen)

Zelda: (getting ready)......draw!

Bandiot: FIRE!

Zelda: (quickdraws her zapper and shoots)

Bandit: (falls dead)

Zelda: Hmph.

Lucy: This looks like it can get boring after a while...

Zelda: It can sort of, but the personalities of the enemies keep it a little bit intresting....

Lucy: Ah...

Zelda: In game mode B you have to shoot two at a time, though sometiomes only 1 will shout fire. And game mode C's a lot like Game Mode B in Hogan's Alley. An okay game, but again, I think only Jesse would like this.

Lucy: Probably...

Zelda: Alright, last game: Wrecking Crew. (puts it in)

Maya: Wait.....I thought Mario was a plumber, not a construction worker?

Lucy: It's game logic...

Zelda: The object of the game is to go around the level and destroy all the stairs, walls, bombs, doors, everything. You can't jump or defend yourself against the....very strange enemies. It's a senseless game, but it's nothing too bad...

Lucy: Probably something to play if you're bored out of your mind...

Zelda: Well, being it's programmable, Wrecking Crew has a level designer, but like most other programmable games, you can't save them....